i'm gonna paint you by numbers, and color you in
by tiltingaxis
Summary: She sighs, taking a long drink before she looks up to find him winking suggestively at his fiancé from fifteen feet away. She finally understands what that tug in her stomach means. It's not unrequited love, heartbreak, or even longing. It's just loneliness. AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I was determined not to post this until it has been completed, but seeing as my old tumblr bit the dust, and this fic is no longer there, I'm putting it here for safekeeping. Consider this a very Glee AU.**

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She waits patiently for the applause to die down, turning to give her co-star, Luca a dazzling smile as he finishes his speech and steps back. She steps into the spotlight, curtseying graciously, a giggle escaping her lips at the whistles and catcalls coming from the audience. A rose lands on her feet, and she swiftly bends down to retrieve it.

"I think," she says, her voice trembling just a little. "Luca has pretty much said all there is to say. We have, all of us, been so blessed to be part of such an amazing production, and none of this could have ever been possible without the help of every single person involved, so really, you should all give it up for the rest of the production crew who are all responsible in keeping this well-oiled machine running."

She stops, giving just enough time for the audience to clap before she continues.

"This role has been my whole life for the past two years. There were times when I couldn't seem to remember where Fanny ended, and I began-"

"I can account for this," Luca jokes from the side. She turns to give her 'Nicky' a playful glare as the audience laughed.

"Like I was about to say, before I was _so_ rudely interrupted, is thank you, because without all of you coming out here night after night to support us, we wouldn't have made it this far. So this last performance was for you, for every one of you who have supported this show for so long. And- and oh! Also, to the one and only special man in my life."

Her eyes scan the crowd as she keeps on talking, looking for the familiar brown eyes and finding them near the front row as the man they belong to blows her a kiss.

"Well, there are two of them, but only one can make it tonight. I love you daddy!"

She grins as Hiram Berry blushes under the sudden glare of the spotlight. She feels Luca's fingers slipping easily through hers, and as he says a final goodbye, the tears she's been holding in finally streams down her face.

The curtain falls for the final time on Fanny Brice amidst great applause, and when the rest of the casts pulls her into a group hug, it finally hits Rachel Berry that she's not entirely sure where she will go from here.

Xxx

She's pulling the pins out from her hair when there's a knock on her door. She smiles at the reflection as a large bouquet of lilies completely hides her father's face.

"Honey, you were fabulous!" Hiram gushes as he places the bouquet neatly on the couch before enveloping her in a tight hug, pulling her off her feet as she giggles.

"Thanks daddy."

"I told your dad he shouldn't be doing anything risky before our big trip to New York. I said, Leroy, don't lift that box, think about your back, but does he ever listen to me? Of course not. It's entirely his fault that he's bedridden in Lima and when I get back home and show this video to him," he holds up the video camera in his hand, beaming at her, "I'll make sure to tell him how much he's disappointed you."

She laughs, shaking her head as she hugs him.

"Go easy on him."

"He misses you, you know."

"I miss him too."

"We're both wondering if you're ever going to come back home."

She tenses for a few moments, smile still frozen in place as her father fusses nonchalantly with the cardigan she's wearing, tying it at the waist over her white dress.

"You know how busy I've been-"

"For the past five years, yes."

"Daddy," she sighs, moving to sit on the couch, picking up her bouquet and staring at it studiously.

"Look, Rachel all I'm saying is that you need a break sweetie. Your dad and I both knew, from the moment you came out of your birth mother's womb with those lungs of yours, that the stage will always be your home. But you've been working non-stop for five years Rachel, you're exhausted."

"I'm not," she answers stubbornly. "I'm young, daddy, and- and they want me _now_, okay? I can't stop now. You know how fickle this business can be. Taking time off is like career suicide right now."

"I'm just-"

"I'll think about it, okay?" she cuts in, more for her father to stop talking than anything, and the look on his face tells her he knows that. He sighs.

"Fine."

She smiles at him, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

"C'mon," she says quietly. "Let's get out of here. I'm starving."

"Honey, don't you have your after-party?"

"Oh I don't have go to that," she answers easily. "Besides, I've only got a few hours left to spend with you before you jet back to Lima."

"Rachel, don't be ridiculous. This is _your_ after-party. You're the star of the show!"

"Daddy it's not that important."

She ignores his incredulous stare, rolling her eyes when he pulls her hand to stop her from walking out of the dressing room.

"What's wrong sweetie?"

She lets out a small chuckle, shaking her head.

"Nothing's wrong. I just want to spend the little time that we have left together."

"Rachel, I am your father. Do you really expect me to believe that you'll turn down a party in _your_ honor to go home and help me pack my bags and watch reruns of Ellen Degeneres on TV?"

"Well like you said, she's a national treasure."

"This is about Luca isn't it?"

"No."

"Honey, you have to confront this sooner or later-"

"It is not about Luca daddy," she snaps. He looks at her, wounded, and she smiles at him apologetically. "Sorry. But it's really not, okay? Can we just go home? Please?"

Xxx

She stifles a sigh as she stands in the corner, drink in hand. She never knows what to do at these things, when she's not meant to be networking. She sees him standing on the far end of the room, his arm around her understudy, and stifles another sigh. His hair is flawless, naturally, as it catches the light, messy blonde locks falling over his eyes just so, in that effortless way even though she knows he probably spent about half an hour with a comb and that hair gel of his. She doesn't have to see to know the way his blue eyes twinkle. There's a tug in the pit of her stomach, and she hates her father for leaving her here and going back to her apartment, where it's warm and cozy and she's safe from the scene in front of her.

Luca catches her eyes and grins as he walks over to her.

"What's the star of the show doing standing in the corner of the room looking like a wallflower?" he teases as he walks up to her and gives her a hug. She doesn't allow herself to linger in his arms.

"Hey Luc," she says quietly instead, smiling up at him. His infinitely taller stature means that she's used to looking up, but she's always been attracted to tall men. Placing a palm against the wall she's leaning on, he bends down to whisper in her ear.

"While you were gone, I talked to Jack."

"Oh?" she asks in disinterest, hardly noting his conversation with their producer as a worthy topic. Will this be what they're reduced to now? Random, mundane topics every time their paths cross?

"Evita is coming up. Guess who the producers have been asking around for?"

Her eyes widen as she gasps dramatically, leaning back to look him in the eye.

"Shut up."

He laughs.

"I knew that would make you feel better. Swear to God Ray," he says with a hand over his heart. "Jack tells me you're practically a shoo in."

"For Evita?" she squeals.

"_Ssh_! You're not supposed to know this yet."

"Right, right," she answers calmly, ignoring the twinkle in Luca's blue eyes. "But still, oh my God Luca! This is Evita, this is my _dream_!"

"I thought that was Fanny?"

"Yes, but this is my second dream!"

He shakes his head, laughing.

"Whatever it is, you're on fire Rachel Berry. Every producer on the Great White Way is going to be knocking down your door. The question is," he continues, raising an eyebrow. "What are you going to do about it?"

"What do you mean, what am I going to do?" she asks incredulously, the wide grin still on her face. "I'm going to get in character, that's what I'm going to do."

He stares at her appraisingly, but she hardly notices in all her excitement.

"Take it from someone who's been around longer," he says quietly, leaning closer towards her. "You need a break Ray, or you're gonna drop."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" she grumbles in annoyance.

"Because it's true. Rachel, you work your ass of every single day, 24/7, and that's why you're amazing, but you need some time to yourself babe, or you're going to lose it soon. Believe me, it happens."

"But I like working. Working makes me happy."

"It also stops you from living your life," he points out.

"This _is_ my life."

"Exactly."

She rolls her eyes. She's forgotten just how annoying he can be.

"Not all of us get to be so lucky to have it all, Luca. We don't all find our fiancés while starring on a hit production. Some of us have to choose, and my choice is my career."

He shakes his head, smiling in amusement.

"Don't I know it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Rachel," he answers dryly. "We dated for a while. I'd think I'd be the few who knows how much work will always come first for you."

"Work came first for both of us," she argues. "That was why we decided-"

"No. Ray, _you_ decided. I just know when to cut my losses."

"But-"

"Look, babe," Luca starts, a friendly hand gripping her shoulder. "As your very good, very attractive friend who cares about you, all I want is to see you happy."

"I am happy."

"Are you really?"

She says nothing as she glares up at his knowing look.

"Does Sarah find your whole life guru act and pointless drones as annoying as I did?"

"Not nearly as."

"I hate you, you know. You always point out my flaws."

"You love me, admit it. If there's one thing I know about Rachel Berry, is that she appreciates the cold hard truth. Look, Ray, I'm happy."

She tries not to let her smile fade as he grins, but she's just having an off night.

"You are, aren't you? You know, you're a very lucky man. Sarah is an amazing woman."

"I do know that."

She sighs, taking a long drink before she looks up to find him winking suggestively at his fiancé from fifteen feet away. She finally understands what that tug in her stomach means. It's not unrequited love, heartbreak, or even longing.

It's just loneliness.

"Luc," she says quietly, looking out at the loud crowd before them. "We were happy, weren't we?"

"We were. It just always felt like you wanted something more."

Xxx

She waits.

It has been exactly seven days since her last show, and she waits restlessly for the call. She's been getting a few, and her agent has been pushing for three different roles, but Rachel Berry has a one track mind. She's waiting for Evita.

That's what she's doing right now. sitting on the couch, pretending to watch the TV with her phone in hand.

"They're going to call, right?" she asks, looking down at the orange Scottish Fold currently sprawled on her lap. It looks lazily back up at her, and as if noticing that his owner is visibly upset, stands on all fours to climb up her body. Rachel laughs, affectionately scratching behind his ear.

"Your hugs are the best," she whispers. The buzzing startles her, and the cat falls down, hissing unappreciatively as she stands up. She shoots it an apologetic look.

"Hello?" she greets cautiously.

"Rachie?"

"Oh. Hi, dad."

"Hey sweetie. What's the matter? You sound sad."

"No, no I'm fine. I'm just… waiting for a call. What's up?"

"Our anniversary."

She smiles.

"I already have the perfect gift planned out."

She's thinking, cruise ship through Europe.

"That's nice honey. But your daddy and I are throwing a party."

"A party?" she asks blankly.

"Yes, and we are hoping that you could plan it for us."

"Of course."

"It's going to be a big bash, for everyone we know. Ever since our 25th, your daddy's been worried that we're getting old, and what would make us feel younger than a huge party for our anniversary right?"

"Dad, of course. I'll do anything I can."

"That's wonderful. So when can we expect you?"

"Huh?"

"When are you coming home?" he asks slowly.

"To Lima?" she asks blankly.

"No sweetie. To your grandpa Joe's, who threw me out of the house when I was sixteen. Of course to Lima."

"But dad-"

"It's going to be in two weeks. While you're at it, why don't you just stay for the whole Summer?"

"Dad I can't-"

"Doesn't that sound just wonderful? Alright sweetie, I'll talk to you later. Daddy and I are making fondue tonight, we wish you could be here!"

"_Dad_."

She pulls the phone away from her as the dead tone starts, staring at it blankly.

There's a tug on her sweatpants, and she looks down to find her cat looking up at her curiously as it stand on its hind legs. She sighs, picking him up.

"Drizzle, pack your bags, 'cause we're going to Lima."

Xxx

She's still fuming as she steps out off the airport, holding Drizzle's carrier up to soothe the hissing cat.

"Ssh baby, I know. We'll get home soon and I promise I'll let you out."

Drizzle's looking at her like she just betrayed his trust and she feels bad, especially after the horrible way she saw the young man at the baggage claim treated him.

"The _nerve_ of that man, calling you a hairball. Your fur is _beautiful_ Drizzle, which is more than you can say about that horrendous excuse he called a haircut," She tells her cat furiously, ignoring the looks she's getting from the people around her. Her floppy hat is covering her face anyway, and the sunglasses she has on practically hides everything else that's not her nose.

"When we get home, I'll-"

"Rachie!"

Her head snaps up at the familiar tone, and the beam stretches wide on her face when she sees Leroy Berry practically barrelling oncoming traffic to get to her.

"Dad!" she squeals when he reaches her and swiftly picks her up to spin her around. In her surprise she almost drops Drizzle, but Hiram is there to take the carrier away. "Dad, your back."

"It's not going to sprain itself just by picking up my dainty little daughter," he says affectionately, lowering her down. "Sweetie, have you lost weight?"

"You say that all the time. _No_," she answers with a laugh as he takes her luggage from her and pulls her hand to follow Hiram towards the car.

"I missed you Pumpkin," her dad says softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She smiles, leaning against him, the familiar softness of his wool coat welcoming her.

"I miss you too dad."

Xxx

Drizzle is mewling softly up front on her daddy's lap. She'd rolled her eyes when he refused to come to her once they were in the car, glowering at her from her daddy's arms. Hiram for his part, refused to let him go either. She swears he treats Drizzle more like a grandson than a feline, and that's exactly why the cat is always so spoiled whenever he visits.

She takes the time to observe the scenery, torn between relief and exasperation to see that Lima is still Lima even after five years. She vaguely remembers her last car ride down the same stretch of road, back when she had been a little too distraught to really remember anything. Rachel holds back a sigh, choosing instead to focus on the present. There's the roller rink, the Bowling alley, Bread-

She sits up, frowning.

"Where's Breadstix?" she asks out loud.

"It's still there Pumpkin. It's Une Baguette now. Apparently that's Breadstix in French. They're trying to expand the business, be more sophisticated."

"Oh."

"See, Rachel? You miss a lot when you don't come home for five years."

She sighs this time.

"Dad, you know how busy I've been. This is my first break ever since I landed my first Broadway role and- where are we going?"

She frowns. This is not the route home.

"Burt's Tire and Lube," Leroy answers, turning around to look at her briefly. "We sent your car for service yesterday, but _someone_ forgot to pick it up this morning."

"Oh, enough of that Leroy," Hiram answers breezily. "I'm sure Rachel won't mind taking that car out for a spin, right sweetie? Lord knows you haven't driven in years."

"But-"

"I already gave Burt a call besides, so you don't have to worry about paying him a visit on Sunday. Someone will be around."

"But-" How can she say no without making it weird? "I'm just- I'm really tired."

"It's just a ten minute drive Rachel."

"But Drizzle-"

"Oh don't you worry about him. Papaw Berrys going to take good care of him, won't we?" Hiram coos. She hears Drizzle purring. Traitor.

"Besides, Burt already has someone waiting for you. It'll be rude not to."

She bites back a groan, trying not to let the slight anxiety that's taking her over show.

"Fine."

Xxx

She's been to Burt's Tire and Lube a total of two times in her entire life. The first was when she was fifteen and a half, the first week she received her car, when she had insisted to send it for service on her own (for the first and last time ever. Until today, that is), and that had been pretty uneventful.

And the second, well the second and last time she went to Burt's garage, she was eighteen, and it was Prom night. And she tries her best to forget that one. Or at least to store it deep in the recesses of her brain, where she can pretend it never happened.

She stands just outside the entrance, looking up at the sign before she snaps out of her reverie, squaring her shoulders. She's just here to pick up her car, no big deal. She steps gingerly into the garage, frowning at the silence.

"Hello?" she calls out tentatively. "Is anyone here?"

She takes another step, looking around for anyone.

"I'm here to pick up my car."

There's a bump coming from the table at the far end of the garage, and she hears a loud squeal before a blonde head pops up from under it.

"Hi! Sorry, I dropped something earlier, and I couldn't answer you. Hey, you okay?"

Rachel stands frozen in place as she looks at the girl in front of her. She looks to be about ten or eleven (Eleven, she remembers. How could she forget?), hair piled up messily above her head. She steps out from behind the table, and Rachel can see the oil stains on her coveralls as she comes closer.

Her eyes, her eyes are unmistakable.

They're Quinn's.

"Beth," she breathes out. Beth takes a step back, a little cautiously.

"Yeah, that's me. Hey, how'd you know that?"

"I-" She shakes her head, trying to clear her mind because she probably looks like an idiot right now with her mouth open. "I'm Rachel."

She offers a small smile as her feet shuffles closer to the little girl.

"Rachel Berry. You probably don't remember me, do you? The last time I saw you, you were just six."

Beth smiles then, coming closer to shake her hand.

"Oh! Yeah, I do know you. We have pictures of you at home," she says, her face lighting up with recognition. The random bit of information takes Rachel by surprise though.

"You do?"

"Yep. It's in the living room. You and a bunch of other people at some singing competition or something."

"Glee," Rachel says, smiling.

"Yeah, that. And plus, I kinda knew you were coming. Grandpa said you were, and that's why we're waiting for you. Look, I have your keys and everything," Beth continues, fishing Rachel's car keys out of the pocket of her coveralls. Rachel notices her name stitched onto the right side of her chest and smiles.

"Do you work here?" she asks with a straight face, politely thanking the girl when she takes her keys. Beth shrugs.

"Nah. I just hang out here with dad mostly. He likes me to keep him company, and he made me this uniform so I won't get my real clothes dirty."

"That's nice," Rachel says, ignoring the way her heart speeds up just a little at the mention of him.

"Beth?"

For the second time in merely ten minutes, she freezes again, only this time it's worse. This time, she can hear the furious beating of her heart ringing in her ears.

"Who are you talking to?"

Beth cranes her neck to look behind Rachel, her blue-green eyes twinkling as she smiles.

"It's Rachel dad. You know, the lady that's coming to pick up her car."

It's painfully quiet behind her. Her pulse is racing as she waits for him, listening for any trace of movement. She gets nothing. Beth has turned back towards the table, rummaging for the receipt, oblivious to the tense silence.

This is ridiculous. She's almost afraid to turn, unsure of the reaction she'll be receiving. Who is she kidding? She's terrified.

But she turns anyway.

The first things she sees are his well-worn boots, her eyes making their way up his coveralls, past the opening at his collarbone, up towards his face, where she finally catches his gaze. She takes a moment to study him, to see just how much five years has changed the boy that she used to know. But he looks the same. Older, scruffier, and there are traces of dirt on his left cheek, but his brown eyes are still as warm as she remembers.

"Well I'll be damned," he says softly, those lips stretching into that achingly familiar grin. "Rachel Berry."

"Hi Finn."

Xxx

She doesn't really know how it happened. Somewhere between standing stock still like a statue and now, she had somehow agreed to go out for a drink and tailed after Finn and Beth in his truck to the Lima Bean. So much for a ten minute drive, now she's sitting in the most awkward situation of her entire life, huddled in her seat across from Finn as her eyes train resolutely on Beth who's standing in line for their drinks. He hears him clear his throat.

"How are you Rachel?"

His voice still flusters her a little, if only because the last time she heard it was five years ago. But she recovers, turning her head to look him in the eye with a smile.

"Fine. More than fine, really. I've been so busy these days it's amazing that I even have this time off, to be honest."

"I noticed."

She turns to look at him sharply, annoyed by the sarcasm she thinks she heard in those words, but all he does is smile that unassuming smile.

"I- I was Fanny," she continues, pride still radiating out of her every time she mentions this to anyone. Two years on, and it still feels like a dream to her. His eyes refocus from Beth back to her, and this time his smile is wide, dimples going deep into his cheeks as he looks at her with shining eyes. It's hard not to look away when he's looking at her like that. But his next words surprise her.

"I know."

"You know?"

"Yeah, I did."

"But- but how did you? Did my fathers buy a page in the Lima Daily?" Her face colors as she says this, remembering how she had pleaded for them not to do it. There was a part of her that felt gleeful at the idea of shoving her success in Lima's face, but it felt too crude somehow. Finn chuckles and she turns her attention back to him as he looks at her in amusement.

"Nah, Kurt told me actually. He went to see you."

"He did?" she asks, both honored and surprised. She and Kurt had never been the closest of friends, although a lot of the hostility did fade by the time senior year arrived. They grew closer later, both living in the same city for years, and maybe the fact that they were two kids from Lima in New York City strengthened that bond somewhat. She remembers her last summer, five years ago, the sad smile on his face as he hugged her close. So maybe she and Kurt had been friends after all.

"But why didn't he stay? Why didn't he go backstage? I would have loved to see him!"

"I- I don't think he was too sure of that," Finn admits. She looks up, almost insulted. Of course she'd want to see him! But Finn moves on. "He said you were amazing."

"He did?"

"He said, and I quote, 'I cried, I laughed. I loved every second of it. You should have seen her Finn. She blew it out of the water. Everything she ever said she'd be, I saw it.'," he finishes. He's no longer looking at her, his eyes instead drawn to the bowl of sugar in front of him.

"Kurt said all that? About me?"

He looks up, amused at her bewildered tone.

"I'm sure the reviews those critics gave you, and that Tony nomination kinda speaks for itself Rach."

She ignores his slip back into the old nickname.

"Yes, but I never thought anybody from Lima will notice. I just mean- it's different, when it's from one of you."

"One of us?" There's something in the way he says this, something in the way he narrows his eyes that makes her react quickly, needing him to understand.

"I just meant, someone that matters, aside from my parents. I mean yes, the audience matters and the critical acclaim, and the Tony nomination, of which I was robbed blind, but- it's Kurt, Finn. It would have been like if it was you. It just means more to me."

She looks away from him, blushing. She refuses to see the expression on his face, and he doesn't say anything either.

"I always knew you were gonna kill it, you know."

She looks up to his smiling face and rolls her eyes.

"No really. You're Rachel Berry! You were, still are, the most talented person I've ever known, and I always knew your dream was going to come true in New York."

"You really believed in me that much?" she asks sceptically.

"More," he murmurs quietly, and she feels those butterflies swooping in her chest as she watches him, his face earnest. "Actually."

Her mind flashes back to eighteen on prom night, her dress pooled to the floor when she had knelt down next to him in Burt's garage. She remembers everything he said, even though she tries hard not to. She remembers the way his big, warm hands cupped her face, as the words _amazing_, _beautiful_, and _what could have been_ left his lips. She remembers how he told her that sometimes he wished things were different.

But they weren't.

They still aren't.

She shakes her head to shake away the memory, sitting up straight in her chair, ignoring his eyes on her. Beth is now queuing on the next line, waiting to pick up their order and she has half a mind to tell him that she's going over to help his daughter. In fact that really is what she's about to say.

"How's Quinn?" she asks instead, the words leaving her mouth of their own accord. She sees him freezing visibly and ignores that vice clench on her heart. Maybe now he'll realize that he shouldn't be here, shouldn't be saying all these things that she's always wanted to hear from him.

"Rachel," he says quietly and she looks away again, she doesn't want to see that look on his face. "Rachel, Quinn's gone."

Her head snaps up immediately, catching the pained expression on his face before he recovers and looks at her stoically.

"What do you mean gone?" she asks like an idiot.

"Rachel," he says, his voice gruff.

"No. I mean that's- that's impossible. She-"

She remembers Quinn Fabray, or, Quinn Fabray Hudson. Blonde and beautiful, with her green eyes and her pale complexion, and her everything that had been nothing like Rachel's anything. She was healthy and strong and beautiful and she can't be- she can't be-

"How?" she asks quietly.

"It was an accident. At the construction site at a new realty just outside of Lima. Three years ago."

He doesn't elaborate, and this frustrates her.

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" she demands, almost angrily. How can she not know this? How can everybody just let her go by without knowing this? His eyes are flashing as he looks at her, and she deflates. They're accusing, telling her everything that's been unsaid between them this whole time.

_Because you were gone. Because you left. You left Lima, left the past, left him. Because you abandoned everything. _

_Remember?_

"We couldn't reach you."

That's a lie. He could have told her fathers. Her fathers must have known. Why didn't they tell her? She remembers past conversations, a million phone calls she had barely listened to, and she wonders if Quinn's death had been one of those things she had passed over.

She feels horrible. Tears prickle the back of her eyes, and before she knows it, her hand is on his, gripping it tightly.

"Finn- Finn I'm so sorry-"

"That line took _forever_."

Both hands springs apart like the touch burned and she whips her head to find Beth looking at them in annoyance.

"It took the guy like, ten minutes to make a stinking Latte."

Finn recovers quickly, standing up to take the tray from his daughter.

"You were the one who wanted the Lima Bean Beth," he says easily, refusing to look at Rachel as he hands her drink to her.

"Well I wanted hot chocolate, and your hot chocolate sucks and Grandma and Gramps aren't around this weekend so we'll probably eat-"

"Beth," Finn says warningly, and she pipes down, still looking annoyed as she sits next to him. Rachel smiles as Finn takes Beth's drink, pouring half a packet of sugar before he stirs the marshmallows until they melt, handing it to his daughter like he does this all the time. He probably does.

Her mind latches on to Beth's words and she can't seem to stop herself.

"My dads and I are having a little celebratory dinner tonight, and there's always food to spare. Do you want to come over? For dinner, I mean."

Beth's face lights up immediately, and Rachel knows she 's about to say yes when Finn speaks up.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, I don't think your dads would appreciate us butting in on your dinner."

"But-"

"But dad-"

"And we have that barbecue with Uncle Puck tonight, remember?"

Beth rolls her eyes.

"I don't like his new girlfriend," she tells him. He chuckles, leaning down a little to wrap his arm around her.

"I don't either kiddo, but we promised him we'd show up so we can't bail on him."

It's ridiculous, but Rachel still can't help feeling like he just made a dig at her. He turns to her.

"Sorry Rachel. We kind of have other plans."

"That's okay," she says, smiling at the little girl who's carefully blowing on her drink.

"C'mon Beth." She looks up in surprise as he stands up.

"Now? But I just sat down!"

"You're gonna be sitting in the truck too you know."

"Yeah but-"

"We didn't close up the shop," Finn tells Rachel, ignoring Beth. She nods back at him mutely, smiling at Beth who stands up half-heartedly.

"Bye Rachel. It was nice meeting you."

"You too sweetie."

She reciprocates his brief nod with one of her own, that sinking feeling returning in her chest as she watches him zip up Beth's hoodie. They take a step away from her, and another, Beth's hand firmly in his as she chatters on about something while he nods, turning briefly to look back at Rachel before he turns back around.

It's a split second decision.

She doesn't know how she got here, trailing after them quickly out to the parking lot. She touches his shoulder when they reach his truck. He turns to look at her, surprised.

"Wait," she says.

Beth stops talking midway and Finn's looks down at her, concerned and guarded all at once.

"Is everything-"

"I want to invite you, to my parents' anniversary party," she says quickly. "That's why I'm here. To- to organize one for them. So will you come? Both of you."

"Yeah!" Beth pipes up, turning Rachel's attention away from Finn's unreadable gaze. "I mean, we can come right dad?"

He looks down at his daughter, and she shoots him a pleading look. Rachel watches as he rolls his eyes before turning back towards her.

"When is it?"

"Next Saturday?"

Actually the date hasn't been set yet. But Saturday is as good as any day.

"I-"

"Please?" she asks, smiling up at him. "Beth really wants to go," she continues, chuckling at the hopeful look on the little girl's face.

"Yeah dad. I _really_ want to."

He looks down, between her and Beth, and his skeptic look gives way to a smile.

"Yeah," he finally says, shrugging. "Sure."

She smiles.

"So I'll see you then?" she asks quietly, ignoring the thumping in her chest. He nods, still not quite looking her in the eye.

"Yeah, we'll see you."

"Great. I won't keep you any longer." She turns to his daughter, smiling as she takes Beth's hand. "I'll see you around Beth, hopefully."

"Yeah, you too. " Beth answers, boisterously shaking her hand. "I mean, if you need any help with the decorations or anything, I'm _really_ good at that."

"_Beth_."

"What? I am!"

Rachel grins.

"That'll be amazing," she says gratefully. "I do need help with the glue gun."

"You should call me up Rachel. Do you have a pen, I'll give you my number-"

"Beth-"

Rachel ignores the exasperation in his tone as she rummages through her bag for her phone.

"Here. Just key it in."

Finn looks at her, mouthing an apology that she waves off as Beth does exactly that. He's smiling, a small, crooked upturn of his lips and she smiles back, warmth filling her for the first time in a while.

"Here," Beth says, handing the phone back to her. "You can call anytime. It's my dad's phone, but I almost always pick it up anyway. Unless I'm in school so-"

"I'll make sure to call after," she promises, pressing the call button on her phone to send him her number.

"Beth we have to go."

"_Okay_, okay," Beth answers I exasperation as she walks to the open door Finn's standing by. Before she climbs in, she turns around to send Rachel a small wave. "Bye Rachel!"

"Bye."

She steps back on the curb as he starts his engine, reciprocating his wave with a smile on her face.

Xxx

She's on her way home, pulling up on her driveway when her phone buzzes.

She grins when she sees the name. Elizabeth 'Drizzle" Hudson.

**(How long are you staying?)**

Her heart skips a beat at the message. It's not from Beth. She stares at the words for maybe minutes, sitting in the car with the engine still running. She recalls his hesitance, the way he had closed up on her halfway through. She hates it. Collecting herself, she answers him.

**(Indefinitely.)**

It takes him ten minutes to answer, her phone buzzing only as she makes her way up the stairs to her old room. She looks down at it, and the one word answer seems to mean more than just what it is.

**(Okay.)**


	2. Chapter 2

_She's walking through the auditorium, taking small, measured steps as she makes her way to the stage and up the stairs, walking towards the young girl sitting on the piano. Rachel knows that her presence is evident, but Quinn still refuses to look up._

_"Hi Quinn," she says quietly. She finally looks up with a small smile on her face. But it doesn't quite reach her eyes, and Rachel doesn't know what to make of it. "_You_ wanted to see me?"_

_"Yeah," Quinn answers, shuffling to the left of the bench and patting the space next to her. "Sit."_

_Rachel shoots her a nervous smile, carefully sitting on the farthest end. She doesn't know what's going on and she's wary. She's been wary ever since she found the note slipped into her locker ten minutes ago, Quinn's small, cursive writing requesting for Rachel to meet her here._

_"So, what's up?"_

_Quinn doesn't answer, choosing instead to play a little note on the piano. Rachel looks around uncomfortably, noting the dark lighting of the auditorium and the deafening silence, broken only by Quinn's choppy version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star._

_"This is Beth's favorite song you know," Quinn tells her. She nods. Okay. Quinn laughs, shaking her head. "You should hear Finn sometimes in the middle of the night. It's like she wouldn't shut up until he sings to her."_

_Her hands grip the sides of her skirt tightly before she even realizes it, that dull throb in her chest making itself evident yet again._

_"What do you want Quinn?"_

_"Finn told me you were planning to write a song for Regionals this year. You know, back when you begged him to come back to Glee?"_

_Her words are calm, but Rachel feels the underlining hostility that drips from her sweet tone. She takes a deep breath._

_"I want **both** of you to come back-"_

_"Well we can't!" Quinn says sharply, startling Rachel when closes the piano with a loud bang as she turns to glare at the smaller girl. "We have Beth to look after, and Finn has to work when he's not playing football, so-"_

_"He loves Glee-" she tries to argue but Quinn cuts her off._

_"We can't always get what we want, Rachel. **You** should know that more than anyone."_

_ She turns away from the pointed look currently aimed at her._

_"I don't know what **y**ou're talking about."_

_"Oh please," Quinn scoffs. "You think I don't see you, throwing yourself at him? It's **pathetic**, and everybody knows that Finn is just too nice to let you down easy."_

_"That's not-" she starts, but is cut off yet again as Quinn laughs derisively._

_"Do you **actually** think he'll ever choose you over me? Over Beth?"_

_She doesn't. Not really. She never did._

_"Quinn I-"_

_"I called you here, to tell you to leave my family alone."_

_"I didn't do anything-"_

_"God, what is **wrong** with you!" Quinn yells as she finally stands, her composure lost. Rachel looks up at her, wide-eyed. The blonde girl's eyes are wide and angry as she stares her down. "You can get out of here. You- you're talented, Rachel. When high school is over and you go to New York, you're going to be successful, because you have what it takes. Why are you so hung up on some small town boy like Finn?"_

_Rachel feels her ire finally seeping through her nerves as she glares up at Quinn._

_"Finn is **not** a small town-"_

_"He **is**, Rachel, okay? God, stop living in this stupid fantasy world where you think that everybody is **exactly** the way **y**ou want them to be. Finn belongs in Lima. With me. With Beth. And you don't. You **never** have. And- and in five, **ten** years from now, that'll still be true. And you'll be in New York and be on Broadway or whatever the hell it is you want to do, and Finn, Finn will still be here with me. He'll take over Burt's garage, and I'll- I'll be a real estate agent and we'll have a small house of our own for our small town lives and hey, maybe Beth will have a little sister, maybe she won't. But you know what won't happen, Rachel?" Quinn finishes, her voice going lower as she leans closer towards Rachel._

_"What won't happen, is you and Finn. That will **never**, happen."_

_She doesn't say a word as Quinn's breath warms her face, stifling her. It feels like a slap to the face, this future that's been painted so clearly for her._

_"Get this through your head Rachel. I get Finn, and **you** get heartbroken. He will never leave me. He will **never** leave his daughter. Do you hear me?"_

_Quinn is breathing hard as she waits for an answer, and she tries her best to steel herself from the tremors that are threatening to overtake her._

_"Glee misses you Quinn. We need you, we need Finn, if we want to make it in Sectionals this year. We're a family, and I hope you hear that."_

_She stands quickly, turning on her heel without so much as a goodbye as she walks down the stage, composed. She stops herself from shedding a single tear until the auditorium door is shut firmly behind her._

xxx

Her eyes are wide in the dark as the memory presses against her.

Quinn's gone. Quinn's _dead_ and _God_, what is wrong with her that, in finding this out, all she can think about was that moment? What kind of person is she to be thinking about this when her friend, or as much of a friend as Quinn _had_ been, has passed?

Quinn is gone.

She can't wrap her mind around this.

Pushing her covers off her body, she sits up, looking at the alarm clock on her night stand to find that it's only four in the morning. She sighs, knowing that sleep is impossible as she stands, stretching.

Her mind has decided that it would like to pull out every single memory she's been keeping under lock and key, and it won't shut down no matter how hard she tries to get it to. She can't. Even the sleeping pills aren't working.

Her gaze falls onto the plastic cup collecting dust on the third shelf of her bookcase and sighs, resigning once again to her memories. The plastic gold star that was pasted on it is starting to fade.

Xxx

_She went home first after Regionals was over to clean up. She went home to weep, really, alone in her big house without her parents who are both away on a business trip. And wept she did, as the bus stopped just in front of her house. She hadn't bothered waving, nobody bothered to acknowledge anyone after all that had happened._

_She sits on the kitchen stool, now freshly showered, her eyes bloodshot because she couldn't stop crying as the water had beat down on her head. She stares dumbly down at the cereal she had poured. She's not hungry. She just can't get over it. _

_The look on Jesse's face, the way he had completely sidelined her and walked up to claim that trophy. But what else did she expect? That he'd apologized? He made it abundantly clear when he returned to Vocal Adrenaline without a word that it was all just an act for him, his biggest role to date really. Pretending to love the girl while spying on her for her birth mother. She'll bet he and Shelby had many an entertaining night over that one, and the way she fell for it like the idiot that she was. _

_But what was worse was the way Shelby had refused to look at her. She's leaving. Her mother is leaving after spending almost six months looking for her only to realize she never really wanted her. Her own mother doesn't want her. What does that say about her, really? Rachel Berry, failed Glee club leader, failed daughter, just a failure all around._

**_I believe in you._**

_Finn. He's going to be so disappointed when he finds out. She shakes her head, pinching her temple when she remembers the moment Quinn's water had broken. It had been a frenzy, he had been a mess, and he hadn't calmed down until she had taken his hand, soothingly telling him that things were going to be okay while Quinn screamed expletives at him from across the room. Poor Finn, with a baby now out in the world. She wonders if he knows that they've lost. He didn't come back with the rest of them, of course._

_She hasn't seen the baby yet. Elizabeth. Quinn wanted to call her Beth, just Beth, but Finn had insisted, claiming that Beth is not a complete name. Rachel's stomach rolls as she wonders if she looks like him, Elizabeth. Does she have his warm, brown eyes and beautiful nose? Does she have his freckles? Will she be tall like him? Maybe she'll look like Quinn, which is better, really, because Quinn is the most beautiful girl Rachel has ever known. She smiles, barely. She'd like to see a baby that looks like Finn. She'll probably be the most adorable baby in the whole world._

_Rachel pushes the bowl of cereal away, leaning her head against the cool marble of her kitchen counter, the slight smile growing on her face as she remembered their duet._

_"**Break a leg**," she had told him, and he'd smiled, taking her hand for one brief moment when he looked her in the eye._

_"**We're going to kill this thing Rach. I believe in you**."_

_And the thing is they did. They did kill it. It was just that Vocal Adrenaline's performance was flawless, at least on the surface, just like Jesse had been. It had been flawless, and heartless, and it had dazzled, and they didn't really stand a chance. She knew it when she saw them._

_Her decision is made for her before she even realizes it, as she runs up to her room for her car keys. It's almost midnight, and she's never been out this late before, but as she pulls out of the driveway and head for the hospital, she decides that there's nowhere else she'd rather be. It doesn't hit her that it was too late for visiting until she's almost there. Groaning, Rachel curses herself, getting ready to go through the lobby to turn back around, when she sees a familiar figure, leaning against the wall outside of the hospital. She slows down her car until it stops in front of him, cranking down her window._

_"Finn," she calls out. He had his eyes closed, head leaned back against the wall and when she called him, his eyes bleared open in surprise._

_"Rachel?" he says, almost confused. "What are you doing here?"_

_"I- I came to see Elizabeth."_

_"**Now**?"_

_"I know. I wasn't really thinking straight. I was about to turn around actually, when I saw you. I'm sorry if I'm intruding on anything I just-"_

_"Rachel." Her nerves calm at the amusement in his tone. "Relax."_

_She smiles at him, giggling. He walks towards her, opening the door and folding himself inside._

_"C'mon," he says._

_"Where are we going?"_

_"To park your car. You wanted to see Elizabeth, right?"_

_"I could have parked on my own," she tells him, amused. He shrugs. _

_"I know. But it's dark out, I just wanna make sure you're okay."_

_He smiles that crooked little smile, the one that never fails to stop her heart (like every other smile of his), the one she thought she'd finally be immune to when Jesse came along. Now Jesse's gone, and she's still very much affected by it. Despite her heartache, the fact that he's going out of his way to accompany her makes her smile._

_"Thanks Finn."_

_The hospital is quiet as they make their way up to the maternity ward, walking side by side in silence. It's awkward to be alone with him at this hour, and it's even more awkward when she takes into account where they're headed to. He takes her up to nursery, and she's never known him to be so quiet before as he takes small steps up to the glass window, turning to her and smiling in excitement._

_"See that one over there? In the pink blanket like, one row back? That's her."_

_She stares in awe at the bundle he points to. From where she's standing she can barely see her, but Elizabeth makes a small movement and she holds her breath._

_"She's beautiful Finn," she breathes. She feels him shuffling next to her._

_"Yeah. She looks nothing like me."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yep. I mean, she has Quinn's eyes, and everything. I can't see me anywhere."_

_"Maybe she'll be tall like you."_

_"Yeah, maybe."_

_She stares quietly at the prone figure, and she doesn't know how such a small, immobile thing could be as enchanting as Elizabeth is. She doesn't notice how he's looking at her._

_"What's wrong Rach?" he asks quietly. She stiffens considerably at his question, refusing to acknowledge it._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, it's nice that you want to see Elizabeth and all, but it's kinda weird that you're here right now, and you just- you look really sad."_

_"I-"_

_"Is it because we lost?"_

_So he knows._

_"No. I mean, yes it's that too, but-"_

_"But what?" he asks quietly. She looks up at him, the feeling she's trying to bottle up rising just beneath the surface of her skin._

_"My mom is leaving Finn" she blurts out, ignoring the way he raises an eyebrow. She looks back towards the nursery, and she wonders if Shelby had ever seen her this way. Or did she just leave without looking back at all? "She told me at Regionals. She's moving to New York and she's leaving me, again, because she doesn't want me, again. And I just- I **don**'t understand! I don't understand why she doesn't want me because- because Quinn, wants Elizabeth and- and you- you want her, right? You're gonna keep her, right?"_

_She turns to him, and the tears are already falling down her face before she realizes it. The look on his face just makes it worse. She wipes her face clean with the sleeve of her sweatshirt._

_"I- I'm sorry. I-"_

_Her eyes widen when he comes closer, enclosing her in his long arms as he pulls her close and she's engulfed in his scent, her face pressed against his dress shirt. He still hasn't changed out of them. Slowly, her arms circle his back, fingers gripping into the fabric of his shirt as she trembles._

_"You know I was a mess right?" he whispers, his lips grazing the top of her forehead. "Back in the changing room, when Quinn's water broke, I freaked the fuck out. I mean, it wasn't just 'cause the baby was coming, but like, what the hell am I going to do now? Because this is real, and this is happening, but- but you told me, that it was going to be okay, that** I** was going to be okay. And I believed you. I mean, I don't know how it's gonna be, but it will. I believed you Rachel. So like, like believe **me** when I tell **you** it's gonna be okay. Okay?"_

_ She doesn't say a word and his arms around her tighten._

_"Okay?" he asks again. She doesn't know how it will be, how anything will ever be okay again, because Shelby's gone and Jesse's gone and **Glee** is gone and Finn. Finn has Elizabeth. Finn's still here, but she feels like he won't be for long. Slowly, she nods._

_"Okay" she mumbles, pressing her face into his chest as she tightens her arms around him. She feels his fingers in her hair, smoothing out the back of her head, and it calms her, more than anything else._

_She believes him._

_She doesn't want to pull back, but when he releases her, she's forced to do the same, looking up at his smiling face._

_"Good. So hey, wanna go get something to eat? Quinn's probably still passed out and **I'm** super hungry, and I think I saw a 24/7 diner on the way."_

_She grins, shaking her head._

_"Finn, it's almost one. And I'm in a sweatshirt and yoga pants."_

_"I noticed," he answers, grinning. She giggles, allowing him to put an arm around her. He smiles at her, that small, quiet smile she rarely ever sees on him, the one she likes to fool herself into thinking is only for her._

_"Okay."_

xxx

She hates remembering. She hates thinking about the way they were.

She knows that she's the one who ruined everything.

She was the one who left. And from the way he had acted yesterday, she knows he won't let her forget it.

**Xxx**

She'll spend her days wisely, she decides, once she realizes that there are only seven days before the party, taking out her homemade party planner the moment she reached home to discuss with her fathers on what they want. They've been very vague so far, which frustrates her, because how is she supposed to throw the perfect 27th anniversary bash when she doesn't even know what they want and they keep trying to distract her attention away from the matter at hand?

Suffice it to say, she has her hands full, too full to even care about the fact that he hasn't tried to contact her at all in the last three days. It's not like she's expecting him to. After all, she came back here with absolutely no intention of catching up with anyone.

But Beth has. In fact, the night of her arrival itself, Beth had called her up to offer her creative services once again. Rachel almost had a heart attack, and Drizzle had stared at her witheringly when she carefully answered the phone after lunging for it earlier.

"Hello?"

"Hi Rachel!"

"Oh. Hi Beth," she answered, recovering quickly with a smile.

"So do you know what you're doing for the party yet? Hold on- I'm talking to Rachel dad! No I'm not! I'm not bothering you right?"

"Not at all, Actually-"

"She says I'm not bothering her! I know dad. I _know _dad. Sorry Rachel. Dad keeps telling me I need to get ready for Uncle Puck's barbecue. He hasn't even had his shower yet," Beth finishes in a whisper. In the background, Rachel heard him yelling Beth's name in exasperation. Laughing, she shook her head.

"It's no problem. I was just about to say Beth, that I would really appreciate any suggestions you might have. "

"Really?"

"Really. I'm going to tell you a secret okay? Promise you won't tell anyone," she said conspiratorially in a quiet voice.

"I swear."

"I've never planned a party before. I don't really know what I'm doing."

It was quiet on the other end for a while before Beth spoke again.

"I can totally help you Rachel. I mean, I plan parties all the time, for like, dad's birthday and Grandma's and Grandpa's. I even helped dad plan Uncle Kurt's surprise party last year, and the only thing he really liked about it was the Broadway theme, and I came up with that."

"You came up with a Broadway themed birthday party?" she asks, impressed.

"Yeah, 'cause uncle Kurt likes those kinda things. Anyway, I can help you plan it."

"That'll be great Beth."

So imagine her surprise, when at four in the evening, and she's busily poring over pages after pages cabaret themed magazines, Beth shows up, smiling at her in front of her door with her hands shoved in the pockets of her jeans.

"Hi!" she says brightly.

"Hello," Rachel answers, smiling a little cautiously. "How did you get here? Is your father here?" she asks, craning her neck to look for his truck.

"Nah. I came on my bike. He's at the autoshop right now, managing stuff or something, and I just thought I'd come see if you need any help. Sorry I didn't call, but dad had the phone with him and I didn't memorize your number, so I couldn't use the house phone to call you."

"Come in," Rachel says, once she realizes that she's letting the eleven year old just stand on her porch. "Does your dad know you're here?"

"Nope. But he knows I like to just ride my bike around town sometimes, so it's fine."

"Isn't that dangerous?" Rachel asks, raising an eyebrow as she makes her way back to the living room.

"Nah," Beth says, shrugging her shoulders. "It's Lima, nothing ever happens here anyway. 'Sides, my dad says that a little adventure can be good for me, and I like riding my bike. Dad bought it for me two years ago after mom died."

She doesn't know how to respond to that, so she just smiles, motioning for the little girl to sit on the couch next to her.

"I'll just give Finn a call, to tell him you're with me, okay?"

"Sure."

"Hey, why don't you take a look at those magazines on the coffee table. Maybe you can help me think of something?"

"Cool."

She moves to the kitchen, holding her phone up to her ear as she waits for him to pick up. She doesn't even know why she'd holding her breath really. She's being ridiculous.

"Rachel?"

His tone is confused, and she can't tell by that one word whether he's glad she called. She's being stupid. It doesn't even matter either way.

"Hi Finn. I just wanted to tell you that Beth's here, at my house."

"What is she doing there?" he asks, again with that confused tone that almost makes her roll her eyes.

"She's helping me plan my fathers' party," she answers brightly instead. It's a little quiet on the other end before he hears him sigh.

"Rachel, you don't have to do this."

Now _she's_ the confused one.

"What-"

"If she's bothering you, I'll come pick her up. You don't have to feel sorry for us, okay?"

"I'm not-"

"She's fine. We're _fine_." His hard tone takes her by surprise when she cranes her neck to see Beth hard at work, flipping through the pages.

"I'm sure you are," she answers carefully. "But I don't know why this means that I'm feeling sorry for you, because if I remember correctly Finn, all I said was that she's helping me, which I appreciate very much for that matter, because I actually do need it."

She doesn't mean to sound as defensive as she does, but with the tension that's already between them, she really can't afford another misunderstanding right now. She hears him take an even longer sigh and braces herself.

"I'm sorry," he says. Is she hearing him right? He's apologizing?

"I just- Beth can get a little too attached sometimes, and people think they're being nice when they humor her, but they're really just-" he groans. "And my mom's been ragging on me about how she needs a female influence and that's why she's this way, and I just- I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it- _shit_!"

"Finn, are you okay?" she asks, alarmed. Her heart is racing, because she doesn't think he even realized that he was opening up to her.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Just this _damn_ hubcap. Louis! I told you to _move_ it, _not_ in the middle of the pathway."

She giggles when she hears someone apologizing profusely, noting how much Beth is like him. They both love to yell at other people while on the phone with someone else.

"Sorry. Sorry, Rachel. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I just-"

"You just have a lot going on. It's okay, I get it. But I swear Finn, on Barbra herself, that all I want is to borrow your daughter for her expertise," she jokes. He chuckles on the other end, and her heart flutters at the sound.

"I might have to charge you by the hour," he jokes.

"Let's settle for dinner. I'll even throw in meat for her."

"Thanks Rachel," he says, a little more quietly.

"I didn't do anything," she murmurs.

She hangs up, entering the living room to find Drizzle curled up on Beth's lap.

"What are _you_ doing there?" she asks, smiling at the way Beth absent-mindedly runs her fingers on his belly. She'd bet Drizzle's in high heaven now. Beth looks up at her and smiles.

"Is this your cat? What's his name?"

"Drizzle."

"No way! Really? That's what dad calls me all the time."

"Is that so?" she asks, feigning surprise, her heart warming at the excited way Beth is hugging Drizzle to her.

"Uh-huh. Mom hated it though. So he used to do it only when she wasn't around."

Rachel notes the slight frown on the little girl's face as she sits next to Beth. This is awkward. She still doesn't know exactly what to do.

"Do you," she starts tentatively, reaching out for another magazine to leaf through. "Do you miss her?"

Beth shrugs.

"I guess. "

She doesn't say anything else to that, instead pointing out to a page on Cabaret costumes, which made Rachel blush, momentarily forgetting her question. She laughs ruefully.

"I just realized that Cabaret might be a little too mature for you," she tells Beth uncomfortably. She doesn't have much experience with children, but honesty is always the best policy right? Beth scoffs at her to her surprise.

"I hang out with Uncle Puck a _lot_. He's way worse," Beth tells her. Rachel shakes her head.

"I'll bet he is."

"Yeah, dad always tells him to cut it out when I'm around, but the other day, he left this magazine in his toilet-"

"Oh God," Rachel cuts in, embarrassed. "Suffice it to say that cabaret is fine with you."

Beth grins at her.

"Mom used to say that Uncle Puck was hopeless, whatever that meant."

"Is it always just you and your dad?"

"And Uncle Puck."

"And Uncle Puck?"

"Yeah. I mean, sometimes there's one of his girlfriends too, and they're okay for like a day, but then they always get annoying, so I don't like them."

Rachel wonders what she means by that, taking into account what Finn said, but she doesn't take the conversation further.

"So I'm thinking, streamers," she says instead. "Red and black, right? What do you think?"

Beth's face lights up at that.

"I think we should have silver too, 'cause it like, blends with black and red, right? And it's pretty."

"That's a great idea Beth!" she compliments, grinning when the little girl blushes. From Beth's lap, Drizzle looks up lazily at Rachel, stretching himself.

"He likes you," she says. Drizzle looks up at her and smiles, her small fingers scratching the back of his head as she takes over the rest of the conversation.

Xxx

Beth stays until it's dark out, and Rachel would have taken her home, but Finn insisted that he would pick her up, so she says nothing to that, remembering his defensive stance earlier in the day. Her fathers were surprised to find a little girl at the dinner table, but they were delighted all the same ("Finn Hudson's daughter? Didn't you used to go to school with him?" She appreciates her daddy's ability to play dumb sometimes).

Beth seems to have taken a liking to Hiram, who keeps calling her "pretty green eyes", and complimented her horrendous braid ("Dad did it for me this morning."). She falls asleep against Rachel's shoulder when they're both in front of the television, watching a DVD of The Little Mermaid. Beth had rolled her eyes at the choice, but Rachel just really loves the movie, okay?

She stares at the younger girl when she sleeps, noting how very much she looks like her mother. Beth is a beauty, just like Quinn was. Slowly, she eases herself off the couch, pulling Beth to lay on it before covering her with a blanket.

She's furiously writing in her planner when the knock comes. Finn stands with his hands in his pockets, looking at her sheepishly.

"Sorry I'm so late," he apologizes before she could say a word. "There was this huge mess with a Toyota engine at about six o'clock, and Louis has his anniversary, and Todd's proposing to his girl or something, so I-"

"It's fine, Finn," she cuts in, smiling warmly up at him. He takes a deep breath, grinning down at her.

"She asleep?"

"She's on the couch. Come in." She's painfully aware of him behind her. The house is silent, she had turned off the TV, and now it's just awkward. "Have you even eaten anything?"

"Yeah, I had a hot pocket on the way over."

"I meant real food, Finn."

"That's real food." She rolls her eyes at his teasing tone.

"We have leftovers. I'll heat it up for you."

"No, no. That's okay."

"Oh," she says, feeling the tension coming back up again at his immediate rejection.

"I just- it's getting late, and Beth has school tomorrow. I mean, I'm sure it's great, whatever it is and I-"

She smiles at the way he flusters.

"I'll pack something for you," she tells him softly as they reach the living room. She's about to leave him there, making her way to the kitchen when she turns around to see him kneeling on the floor over his daughter.

"Hey," he whispers, one hand softly combing through Beth's hair. "Wake up Drizzle. C'mon baby girl, it's time to go."

She remembers eighteen, and the Captains' meeting they had after Glee, the way she had demonstrated their final dance number to him with Beth on his lap. She grins as she remembers his big hands carefully holding on to his daughter's, helping Beth clap once she was done with the routine. She knows Beth doesn't really remember her, or the way she used to call Rachel "Ray-ray" because she couldn't pronounce the name properly. It's weird to see them this way, a little surreal to see the little girl that she used to babysit for sometimes turning into an almost young woman.

She snaps out of her trance when Beth stretches, her eyes blinking open. Turning on her heels, Rachel proceeds into the kitchen, making herself busy with the tupperwares.

Finn has an armful of Beth, so she helps him carry the food out to his truck, waiting quietly on the side while he straps his daughter in before throwing her bicycle on to the bed of his truck.

"Thanks Rachel," he says, running his hand through his hair as he takes the bag of food from her.

"I didn't do anything," she insists.

"Well you saved me today," he jokes, "Even if you didn't know it. Andrew Carson is an ass, and I'm glad I don't have to attend to him now that his engine is running."

She smiles. He smiles back. She shuffles her feet back and forth.

"I-"

"Hey-"

They both stop, and he chuckles as he motions for her to continue. She smiles warmly up at him.

"She's wonderful Finn," she tells him earnestly. "I just- I just want you to know. She's a wonderful girl, and I think you're- you're doing a great job."

She sees his eyes softening, his small frown quickly turning into the softest of smiles. Her heart threatens to stop again, because she remembers this smile. She used to think it was hers. It surprises her when he takes her hand, enveloping her small one into his big, warm palm.

"I'm glad you're home Rachel," he says.

And she thinks he really means it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Yes I know I've been horrible with the updates. But enjoy this random burst of inspiration I got at four in the morning, and let's hope it lasts.**

* * *

She becomes accustomed to Beth standing on her porch at 3.30 every afternoon for the next three days, with her bright eyes and her dishevelled braid hanging loosely behind her as the little girl greets her with a quick "hello" and "I just had the best idea last night!". Finn keeps telling her to just say the word when she needs him to pick his daughter up, but she honestly finds the company refreshing, and enjoys having the younger girl around while she's out shopping for party supplies. So Beth ends up staying past dinner every night, falling asleep on the couch by the time Finn comes around to pick her up.

Whatever it is she has with him, it's going nowhere, other than a shy "hello" and a few polite words while he's literally picking Beth up off the couch. She always has leftovers packed and ready. Beth always returns her tupperwares, washed and dried, the next day. It's finally on Thursday that she plucks up the courage to invite him over for dinner the next day.

"Unless, you know, you're busy," she finishes quickly at the frown on his face. He's standing at the door of his truck, Beth buckled and bundled up carefully in the passenger seat, and she's wishing that there is something else she could hide behind other than the bag of leftovers in her hand.

"I don't want to intrude. I mean, even Beth, I just- I wouldn't have let her you know, stay over, if she isn't so insistent about it, and you weren't-

"I love having her around," she admits, cutting him off. He looks a little surprised by her admission and she smiles, shrugging. "It's kind of like having a little sister, I guess. Besides, I'm almost convinced my fathers have a new shining star these days. Daddy in particular, finds Beth's ability to burp out the alphabet to be the most endearing thing on earth."

"Oh my God," Finn says, horrified, slapping a hand to his forehead. "She didn't."

"She definitely did," Rachel answers, laughing. "Apparently it's a competition in your household?"

"Well really, it was Puck who started it. But she's catching up," he answers proudly. He shakes his head. "Mom will kill me if she knows what I've done to her granddaughter. She's already harping on me about getting her more dresses. But I mean really, what do I know about dresses? And she won't even wear them anyway and-"

He stops, shooting her an embarrassed grin.

"Sorry."

She shakes her head earnestly, smiling up at him.

"Don't be."

He grins down at her, leaning back against his truck. She can't read the expression on his face, can't tell exactly what it is that he's thinking right now as she stands in front of him, wrapping her arms around herself.

"So come on Finn," she says, breaking the silence. "We're making mac and cheese."

"That's-"

"Beth's favourite, I know. She requested it."

He groans, shaking his head as he chuckles.

"That girl is shameless. I don't know where she gets it from."

"But you wouldn't have it any other way," she answers, smiling.

"No," he says quietly, that unreadable expression back on his face as he scrutinizes her. "I wouldn't."

He straightens up, turning towards his truck as he takes the bag from her.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks, a crooked smile on his face.

"Tomorrow," she echoes with a smile. She could swear that her fingers are still tingling from when he brushed against them.

Xxx

Beth is conscientious and critical, and the way she quietly goes through Rachel's entire list reminds her of Quinn. If she looks at her from just the right angle, Rachel can see her old adversary in front of her, embodied in her eleven-year-old daughter, and it's a little daunting trying to get used to it.

But there are also parts of her that is all Finn, not physically, but little things like how her eyes light up when Rachel comes through to the living room with a snack, or how "awesome" seems to be her go-to word for everything that she finds indescribable. She sees Finn in Beth's clumsy braids and her carefree smile and the kindness in the young girl's warm green eyes, so similar and yet so different from Quinn's.

"You know, you're very organized," she tells Beth as they share a plate of cookies. It's meant to be a compliment. That's complimentary, right? "I'm very impressed."

Beth shrugs, but she blushes and smiles into her cookie.

"Mom used to have this list she'd put up on the fridge, with like chores and play dates and stuff, 'cause she said that it'll help us keep things in perspective or something, and I guess I kinda got used to it. I mean, after she was gone, dad was kinda bad at keeping up with all the schedules, so I tried to help him out with it, and now it's just easier for me," Beth finishes, shrugging. It still takes Rachel by surprise to see her mentioning Quinn in such a… cavalier manner, but she figures Beth had about three years to get used to it. It's still brand new information for her.

"Yeah, Finn never had much organizational skills," she answers ruefully, grinning.

"You and dad were really good friends huh?"

"What makes you say that?" Rachel asks nonchalantly, turning over another page of the magazine in front of her while Beth munches on her sandwich. Beth shrugs.

"There are pictures of you, you know, at home. I mean you and a bunch of other people. But mom used to talk about you."

"Quinn?" she asks, surprised.

"Yeah, I mean, sometimes she used to talk to dad, like, she wondered what happened to you, and what you were doing and stuff. I mean, she mentioned you sometimes. Rachel Berry. I remembered your name 'cause of the fruit."

"You remember a lot, don't you?" Rachel asks, slightly taken aback by the information and the nonchalant way it was offered to her.

"Yeah. Dad says I'm the smartest person he knows," Beth answers proudly.

"I think you must be."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I was good friends with your dad, and Finn's not a liar, so that must be true."

Beth blushes before she briskly begins crossing the items of Rachel's list while she sits back, still overwhelmed. She wonders what it could mean, wonders if the fact that his daughter even knows about her means anything.

Xxx

She's nervous.

Beth is in the kitchen with Hiram, laughing as her daddy teaches the young girl an old Sinatra number while they toss the salad. Her dad's upstairs, changing out of his office attire, and she's setting the table, eyes occasionally straying up towards the small clock on the mantelpiece, counting down the minutes until he arrives.

She's surreptitiously changed three different times before she realizes how ridiculous she's being.

_You__'re Rachel Berry_, she reminds herself. _You're twenty six years old, and you're a successful Broadway star, and an old childhood friend coming over for dinner should not affect you this way. _

Except for the fact that 'old childhood friend' was never a term that quite fitted Finn Hudson in her life. Nothing ever defined him really. He was more than a crush, more than a friend. He used to mean more to her than anyone else, but they never really _were_ anything together. They couldn't be. One thing she knew for certain is that he was always less than what she'd hoped he could be. Her biggest could have been.

"_What if things had been different Rach? Do you ever think about that?"_

She pushes those words away, trying to forget the look on his face that night, the one that keeps recurring in her dreams when she least expects it.

The sound of the doorbell startles her, and she makes a beeline for the door, the cutlery in hand forgotten as she throws it open. He has his back towards her, and when he turns, she thinks that for a second she catches the hesitation on his face before it gives way to a smile. She notices that his hair is damp. He must have taken a shower. He's in a button-down shirt and jeans, and she's pretty sure he must have ran home first, because he's usually always in a t-shirt or his coveralls. He looks nice. Her face burns when she realizes that she's checking him out. She looks up at him, finding a small smile on his face.

"Hi," he says quietly.

"Hi," she smiles. He clears his throat as they continue to stare at each other, shaking his head before he brings up his right hand, holding out a bottle of wine.

"I figured I shouldn't come here empty handed."

"Thank you," she murmurs, taking the bottle from him. He shrugs, one hand in his pocket as he stands awkwardly by the door.

"Beth told me to get flowers, but I figured this would fit better with a meal."

"Perfectly," she agrees, blushing at the thought of him showing up with a bouquet of flowers. God, what is wrong with her?

He clears his throat again, and she remembers her manners, shuffling to the side.

"Come in," she tells him. He nods, and she presses herself against the door as he steps in.

"You look nice," he tells her as she closes the door. She looks down at the yellow sundress she has on, and she's glad she chose this over the more casual blouse and skirt she had on earlier.

She turns around, about to thank him, when Beth comes barrelling through the doorway, jumping on Finn as he chuckles, staggering a little by the surprise tackle.

"Hey there Drizzle," he greets his daughter affectionately.

"Dad, you should see what Hiram taught me to do," she answers excitedly, ignoring him as she pulls on his hand. "Look at the napkins, he taught me how to fold them so they look like swans. Isn't that like, the most awesome thing ever?"

"Totally awesome," he answers, chuckling as he allows himself to be pulled along. He turns to mouth an apology as he is being dragged away and she waves him off.

"C'mon Rachel," Beth calls. She grins, trailing after them.

Xxx

_She's been staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours, her thoughts running a hundred miles per second as she tries to make sense of what's happening. It still feels a little surreal in a way. She didn't come home a month ago expecting this. She doesn't know how to feel. Well, she knows how she's **supposed** to feel. She's supposed to be happy for him, for them. But as always, there's just a selfish part of her that she never could shake off. How can she be happy for them when every second closer cuts an even deeper tear into her heart?_

_She's so consumed by her own thoughts, she barely notices the sound of the pebbles hitting her window pane. She frowns when it breaks through her train of thoughts, looking cautiously towards her window when she hears it again. Rachel turns to look at the clock. It's almost midnight. Warily, she sits up in bed, snuggling her feet into her bedroom slippers before she shuffles her way to the edge of the room. _

_A figure is standing on the ground with his hands in his pockets, the hood of his jacket hiding his face as he looks up. But she'd recognize him anywhere._

_"Finn?" she calls out in confusion as she slides her window up. She lowers her voice to a hiss, pushing half her body out the window as she strains to look at him. "What are you doing here?" He lowers his hoodie, and in the dark, she can barely make out that quiet smile on his face._

_"Hey Rach," he calls out quietly. He doesn't say anything else, but she knows he's waiting for her when he keeps standing there, his eyes never leaving hers. She sighs, pulling her body back in as she rushes to pick up her bathrobe, shrugging it on as she tries to make it downstairs as quietly as she can. Her heart is pounding furiously while she imagines a million different scenarios too wishful to ever happen. One particular dream that she could never shake off for years is of him pulling her into his arms to declare his affections. She takes the time to roll her eyes before she opens the front door. At twenty one years old, she really needs to start thinking more sensibly._

_She's startled to find him already standing on her porch, and before she could say another word, she's in his arms, his arms winding tightly over her waist as he crushes her to him. She stands frozen in place, the heat of his body and the way his cheek presses against her ear immobilizing her. He shifts, moving his head so that his jaw rests on her head, and it snaps her out of the moment. Quietly, she moves her arms from her sides to snake around his back._

_"We're twenty one Finn. I think the time for throwing pebbles at my window has passed about two years ago, don't you? What are you doing here?" she mumbles into his chest. Rachel turns, pressing her ear against him. She can hear his heart, and it's beating almost as fast as her own._

_"I don't know," he answers quietly. "I just- My mind can't shut down."_

_Her fingers twist into the back of his hoodie as she closes her eyes. One second. All she needs is just one second to pretend like this is what she wants it to be. She must have imagined his lips ghosting over the top of her head, because he's already pulling away, his arms on her shoulder as he sighs, looking down at her. She smiles quietly up at him._

_"It's a big day tomorrow. Or actually, in a few hours."_

_"Yeah."_

_"You need to be in bed mister. We can't have the groom showing up to his own wedding with bags under his eyes," she continues in a teasing voice. He doesn't even try to smile. She frowns, reaching up to touch his arm. "You okay?"_

_"I can't sleep," he confesses. She nods her head knowingly. He releases her, sighing as he moves to her front steps, sitting down on the top step._

_"Nervous?" she asks, sitting next to him. She feels the heat of his body warming her, feels that tear in her heart deepening just a little bit more while she keeps on pretending that everything is fine. She keeps on pretending that she's happy for him, because he's her bestfriend, and that's her job. Finn turns to look at her, leaning down slightly to look her in the eye, a peculiar expression on his face._

_"Do you think I'm doing the right thing?" he asks quietly. She starts, forcing an unassuming look to fall over her expression._

_"What do you mean?" _

_"Getting married tomorrow. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"_

_"You know I can't answer that for you."_

_"But what do you **think**?" he persists. She sighs, looking away out into the empty street. She notices his truck parked out at the curb. There are so many words she has kept bottled up for so many years, and with the way he's looking at her right now, it would be so easy for her to just spill them out._

**_I think it's wrong. I think telling me that you're getting married the moment I arrived on your front step a month ago was a really mean thing to do. I think Quinn won't make you happy. I can make you happy. Be with me. Leave everything and come with me._**

_He's staring at her like the weight of her words mean everything, and she wonders what would happen if she lets them out, but they're caught in her throat. _

_"Where's Beth tonight?" she ends up asking. She sees the change in his eyes, the way they seem to clear up in an instant at her question. She thinks she sees a little bit of regret in them, but she can never be sure._

_"She's with mom tonight."_

_"She must be so excited." He chuckles quietly, turning away from her._

_"She is. She keeps sneaking into our closet to put her flower girl dress on. Quinn ended up putting it on the top shelf so she couldn't reach it. She keeps saying that we're going to be a real family soon, like we weren't before."_

_She tries to laugh, but she chokes on a sob and turns away immediately, discreetly wiping her tears against the sleeve of her robe._

_"She's growing up so fast Finn," she murmurs. "The last time I saw her, she was just a tiny little thing, and now she's almost as tall as me."_

_"Not quite yet."_

_"That must be the Hudson gene," she teases, nudging him. He smiles, but it doesn't seem to reach his eyes._

_"She wants this, more than anything in the world," he says quietly. She feels the tear in her chest rip right on through as she watches him. This is it. It's really happening._

_"Then how can it be wrong, right?" she says warmly out loud. He nods next to her, putting an arm around her to pull her close to him. She listens as he takes a deep breath, closing her eyes as she pretends for one second that he's holding her close for a different reason._

_"Thank you."_

_"I didn't do anything."_

_She turns towards him, intending to smile, not noticing that he's leaning down to kiss her cheek. He misses, and catches the side of her mouth instead. She gasps, frozen as she feels his body stiffening. He pulls away, painfully slow, and her lips burn as their eyes meet. His face is unreadable, in the moonlight._

_"Sorry," he whispers. She can still feel his breath on her face. She shakes her head just slightly, trying to tell him that it's fine. She can pretend it never happened. _

_They're both good at that._

xxx

"Rachel?"

She snaps out of her thoughts, and almost drops the tray she's holding when an older, real version of Finn stands before her.

"You okay?" he asks, worried as he walks closer towards her. She shakes her head rapidly.

"I'm fine. I just- I was just thinking," she says sheepishly. He nods, smiling down at her. She feels his fingers grazing against hers as he takes hold of the tray.

"I've got it," she mumbles quietly.

"Your dad was wondering what took so long. I told him I'll help you out, so I gotta carry this," he says easily, pulling it away from her.

"I was just waiting for the pie to set," she murmurs as they fall into step, slowly walking out the kitchen doorway.

"And thinking too, while you were at it." His voice is teasing, and when she looks up, she catches the smirk on his face. She grins, poking him playfully in the arm.

"Shut up."

Xxx

Dinner is relatively successful, even if she is saying it so herself. She's learned that Beth makes a mean mac and cheese ("It's dad's secret recipe. He uses three kinds of cheese, which makes it awesome". Finn's face colored when her fathers praised him. "We just ran out of cheese one night," he whispered to her a little later, and she can't shake the look her gave her when she laughed out loud), and things could never go wrong with her famous apple pie.

She was quiet all throughout dinner, listening as dad and daddy played the perfect hostesses, asking Finn question after question of the things she's been dying to know. But they're careful enough to sidestep the past, and she's grateful for it. She catches up on his life in the span of two hours. Her dad had turned in early, but daddy is standing in the living room, still attempting to teach Beth how to swing dance. Beth's delighted laughter rings through the room, and she turns to watch Finn, and the way his eyes seem to light up at the sight of his daughter.

Their eyes meet in the middle, and he shoots her a small, boyish smile that sends her heart racing. Finn looks at his watch before looking back up at Beth, shaking his head with a wry smile when Beth demands that Hiram show her the step again.

"We have to go Drizzle," he says out loud. Beth turns to him at a half spin, pouting.

"Already?"

"You have your swimming class tomorrow morning," he reminds her. Beth looks like she's about to argue, but seems to think better of it when he gives her a look, sighing instead as she looks back at Hiram.

"I gotta go," she grumbles. "My daddy's being a party pooper."

"Beth."

"What? S'true."

Finn shakes his head, resigned.

"Get your things," he tells her as he stands. He walks over to Hiram to shake the older man's hand with a smile while Beth stomps over to the guest room to get her things.

"Thanks for having us over. Sorry we've been troubling you lately-"

"Not at all. Your daughter is a delightful creature. And I've missed the presence of an effervescent young girl ever since Rachel decided to grow up and move away."

"Daddy," she calls out, embarrassed when Finn grins at her. Beth runs back into the living room, her backpack slung over one shoulder and the clothes she wore during the day hanging off a hanger as she announces to Finn that she's ready.

"You forgot your present," Rachel says, finally getting up off the armchair she was sitting in.

"Present?" Beth repeats.

"I left it next to your bag."

"That's mine?" Beth asks, eyes wide. Rachel chuckles nodding.

"Of course silly. Hold on, let me go get it."

She walks briskly towards the guest room, smiling to herself when she sees the paper bag that Beth has placed neatly on the floor. When she comes back out, Finn and Beth have already left the living room, standing in front of the door while Finn buttons up her coat.

"I can do it myself dad," Beth says, annoyed, though her hands are full. "I'm eleven you know."

"I know Beth," Finn says wryly. "You remind me every day."

She smiles at their interaction, her eyes catching daddy's who is looking at her in amusement. She looks away.

"Here you go," she says brightly out loud, holding the bag out for Beth to hold. Thrusting her things into her father's arms, she eagerly reaches out for it, peeking into the bag.

"What is it?" Beth asks before she gasps, ignoring Finn as he tells her to say thank you, reaching into the bag to pull out a dress in seafoam green and small, puffed sleeves, tied at the waist with a white ribbon.

"A girl can't go to a party without a party dress," Rachel says, smiling easily. It had caught her eye the moment she passed it by. She had thought that color would match Beth's eyes perfectly. She had been right. Beth is still staring at her dress in awe, and Rachel refuses to look Finn in the eye to gauge his reaction.

"Say thank you Beth," she hears him say. Beth looks up from her dress to Rachel, grinning, and she's surprised when she suddenly feels two small arms going around her waist.

"Thank you," Beth mumbles into her dress, and she smiles, hugging the child back.

"It's the least I could do for the best assistant in the world."

Over Beth's head, she finally sees Finn. He's still looking at her with that indiscernible expression on his face and she tenses, worried that he might think she's overstepping her bounds. She relaxes when his face softens as he looks at her. He's not smiling, and she still can't read his face, but she knows he's not angry, and that's good enough for now.

Xxx

She's cleaning up, washing the dishes as she hums to herself, when daddy comes up to stand next to her.

"I can see how Beth turned out so wonderfully," he says nonchalantly. "Finn is an excellent father."

She nods, making a small sound in the back of her throat in agreement.

"A little dismal in his hair styling abilities of course, but then again, that's a feat not able to be achieved by all men. I think she's really looking up to you Rachel."

"Mmhmm. " She's keeping mum, and next to her, daddy chuckles, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"It'll be nice to have them around more often," he tells her before walking away. She grins, resuming her chore as she hums again.

Xxx

She's getting ready for bed, moisturising her skin when the text comes in.

**(Thanks for tonight.)**

Her heart stutters, lotion in hand as she wonders what to say. She knows it's not Beth, because it's too late for her to be up, and it's missing a couple more excited sentences.

**(Thanks for coming.)**

She turns off the light, sliding under her covers with her phone in hand, holding it up immediately when it vibrates again.

**(Goodnight Rachel.)**

**(Goodnight Finn.)**

She knows that there's a small, probably idiotic, perpetual smile on her face, but she doesn't really care. She turns on her side, closing her eyes, and as she drifts off to sleep, another text comes in.

**(You looked beautiful tonight.)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Basically, I hope the long wait is worth it!**

* * *

His eyes are making holes through the back of her head. Or at least, that's what it feels like as she smiles at her dad's tennis partner, nodding when the woman compliments her on her cheese rolls. He's standing on the other side of the room, leaning against the wall next to Noah, whom she hasn't seen in years (She didn't know which was more surprising, the fact that he had a head full of hair now or the way he seemed to have learned the ability of stringing together a few sentences without being offensive), and it's unnerving her. She's trying to ignore it, the way his eyes are following her, focusing instead to the middle of the living room, where daddy and Beth are both wowing their audience with their spirited, albeit clumsy, swing dancing.

She starts when her dad grabs the tray of hor d'oeuvres from her hands, setting it on the coffee table before he pulls her into the middle of the makeshift dance floor.

"Dad!" she exclaims, giggling as he twirls her. "Stop."

"What, now that you've been on the Broadway stage next to seasoned dancers, I'm not a good enough partner for my little girl?" he asks teasingly.

"Don't be ridiculous," she admonishes, taking his hand as she taps her feet to the beat. "You know I'm terrible at swing dancing."

"My baby girl isn't terrible at anything," her dad says proudly and she lets out a joking sigh, giving in as the guests clap their hands. She never was one to turn down applause.

"We have competition Beth," daddy tells the little girl in front of him. Rachel laughs when a familiarly competitive gleam overtakes the young girl's eyes as she tells Hiram that they're going to 'do the jump'. Her eye catches Finn's and she raises an eyebrow when daddy picks Beth up in a decidedly less 'swing dance' and more 'dirty dancing' move while the crowd goes wild. He shakes his head, grinning.

"Oh, now you're asking for it!" she calls out jokingly as she grabs her dad's hands. "What do you say dad? The old lindy hop?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

She wasn't being modest when she said she isn't a good swing dancer, she really isn't. Her moves are clumsy at best and she almost slips on her feet if her dad didn't have such a strong hold on her. It doesn't take long for the entire living room to be converted into a dance floor, once one of daddy's colleagues decided to push all their remaining furniture to the edge of the room. She watches in amusement as Finn and Puck, both easily the strongest men in the room, dutifully listen to the woman's instructions. She gasps when her dad dips her backwards, and when she's pulled back up again, giggling madly, she can't seem to find them anywhere.

"Finn looks very handsome in blue, doesn't he?" Her head snaps back up at her dad's noncommittal comment. He's looking straight ahead, but she catches the twinkle in his eye.

"Dad," she mutters quietly, blushing.

"I'm just saying Ray, your old man knows a good looking young man when he sees one." She says nothing to that, hiding her burning face in the fabric of his sweater while he chuckles, holding her close. "And sweetie, I think you're the most gorgeous lady in any room, but I'm betting I'm not alone on that."

She looks up in confusion at her father, and he turns her strategically so that her eyes meet Finn's, standing behind her all this while as he leans against the wall. Her heart stutters, leaping up to her throat at his scrutiny, and the fact that getting caught doesn't seem to fluster him at all. Daring herself, she shoots him a small smile, watching as his sober expression breaks with a reciprocal turn of his lips. He pushes himself off the wall, and her heart beats in short, staccato notes as she braces herself.

Beth suddenly jumps into view, and Rachel listens as she pulls her surprised father by the hand, demanding loudly that he dance with her. Her heartbeat evens out when he allows himself to be pulled away, but not before he glances back at her, an apologetic smile on his face. Beth pulls him to the middle of the crowd, three bodies away from where she's standing as the little girl gingerly steps on both of her father's large feet, wrapping her small arms around his waist while he sways. Unwittingly, Rachel sags against her own father's chest, breathing out a sigh. She's just not sure if it's one out of relief or disappointment.

Xxxx

"_Is it true?" _

_She pauses her movements, hand frozen in mid air when his voice fills her ear. Picking out her textbook, she shuts her locker, turning around with a smile on her face._

"_Hi Finn," she says brightly, ignoring his slightly put-out expression. He ignores her greeting, falling in step with her as she makes her way to class._

"_Is it true?" he asks again. "About Jesse taking you to prom?"_

"_Who told you that?" she asks calmly, ignoring the frustration in his voice._

"_Kurt did," he says impatiently and she rolls her eyes. She knew that boy couldn't be trusted to keep her secret._

"_Yeah," she answers noncommittally. "He- he asked me during lunch actually."_

"_Rachel-"_

"_He's back from UCLA. Apparently the theatre department there left a lot to be desired-"_

"_Rachel, he turned you into an omelette. "_

_She stops short at his dry words, turning to glare at him as she stands on her full height. They're standing in the middle of the hallway, students weaving around them to get to their classes, and the stubborn look on his face is infuriating. _

"_He's apologized for that," she tells him tersely. Finn rolls his eyes, his hands on his hips._

"_He's still a douchebag."_

"_Finn!"_

"_He __**is**__. Rachel, don't you remember what he did to you? I-"_

"_He apologized!"_

"_And you think he's really sorry?" he asks sarcastically. "An 'I'm sorry'. That's enough for you?"_

"_Oh! So it's okay for me to forgive __**you**__ for throwing eggs at me, but it's not okay when it's Jesse?" she asks angrily. He steps back like she'd just slapped him at those words, and she sees the instant hurt clouding his face, but she steels herself. She's not about to let him think he could get away with trying to tell her what to do._

"_That's different. You know it is," he says. She sighs, looking around her to see that the hallway is clearing up. Clearly, she's going to be late for English._

"_Why do you even care?" she mutters under her breath. His eyes widen just a little, one hand going up to gently touch her shoulder. The expression on his face changes from angry to earnest, and she looks away when he opens his mouth._

"_Of course I __**care**__, Rach," he says quietly. "You're like my best friend okay. I don't want to see you hurt."_

_She softens just a little at his words, the earnest way he's looking at her cancelling out any anger she felt. She hates the way he keeps doing this to her, how just one look from him can make all her frustrations disappear._

"_I won't get hurt, okay?" she says softly, forcing a smile on her face. "I mean Jesse and I, we're working things out. I know what I'm doing Finn."_

_He doesn't look happy at all as he straightens back. His eyes are scrutinizing hers, and the intensity in his gaze is making her conviction waver. _

"_Do you like him?" he asks quietly._

"_Of course I like him-"_

"_No, Rachel," he cuts in impatiently, putting both hands on her shoulders as if to make her really listen. "Do you __**like**__ him?"_

_She stays quiet, hugging her book to her chest while she looks up at his determined expression._

"_I think he likes me," she finally says. "I think he really likes me, this time around. And face it Finn, I'm not exactly miss popularity around here, and it's better than not having someone to go with. Boys in McKinley just don't like me. So yes, okay, I like him."_

"_That's not true," he argues. "I like you."_

_She smiles, ignoring the bittersweet pang in her chest at his words._

"_Well," she says lightly. "It's too bad you already have a date."_

"_Rachel-"_

"_Drop it, Finn. Okay? I'm going with Jesse, and that's that."_

_He seems frustrated, running a hand through his hair as he glares at the wall behind her, but she stands her ground. Finn shifts his gaze back towards her, his expression unreadable._

"_Fine," he answers quietly. "But if he hurts you, I'll kick his ass."_

_The words are at the tip of her tongue, always at the tip of her tongue. Jesse St. James can't hurt her, or at least, it's quite impossible for him to hurt her any more than the boy in front of her already has. No one ever hurts as bad as Finn. But she holds her tongue, nodding once before she turns and walks away._

_Xxx_

The timer on the oven goes off, alarming her and pulling her out of her memories. Bending over, she pulls the angel food cake out of the oven, grinning when a loud whoop could be heard coming from the living room. It's a rip roaring party, if she does say it so herself, and her dessert-

"Thinking again?"

She almost drops her cake, gasping out loud when she looks up to find Finn standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"You scared me," she hisses, annoyed by his uncanny ability to keep sneaking up on her.

"Sorry," he says with a smile, not sounding sorry at all. He strides over to where she's standing as she turns to place the dessert on a cooling rack.

"How long have you been standing there?" she asks, flustered now that the initial shock has worn off. He is so close to her, and it's unnerving when he places a hand on the counter, right next to where hers is.

"A while."

"Why didn't you call my name? You know, like normal people."

He shrugs, grinning at her dry tone.

"You looked like you were thinking pretty hard," he teases. She rolls her eyes, thanking God that people can't actually read minds or else he would have known that he's been the subject of most of her thoughts lately.

"What are you doing in here?" she asks nonchalantly, moving to the sink to place the empty pan.

"Hiram asked me to check on you. He wanted to know what was taking so long."

She fights the urge to roll her eyes. Her fathers' insistence on trying to play matchmakers are so obvious, she wonders how he couldn't have noticed.

"Well it's almost done," she says. "I just need to cool it for a few minutes, so you can tell him that he'll have to wait."

"I think he's figured that out for himself," he says, smiling as he leans back against the counter. She stays quiet, uncertain of what to do. Why is he here? Is he seeking her out on purpose, trying to make her uncomfortable? Because if it's so, he's doing a wonderful job.

"Why aren't you out there swinging with the rest of the cats?" she jokes weakly. "I see you're quite the dancer these days."

"Letting my daughter step on my feet and swaying while trying not to bump into people is not dancing Rach," he scoffs. She laughs, turning towards him with a playful smile.

"You're still miles better than you were back in high school," she teases.

"Ouch," he winces, mockingly pressing a hand to his chest. They're smiling at each other, the atmosphere filled with familiar warmth that comforts her. It was always like this with Finn, she thinks wryly. He's always either flustering or comforting, there's just no in between with him. He keeps her on her toes, but he doesn't even know it.

"'I'd say the party's a great hit," he says, moving a little closer. "Congratulations."

"I know right?" she gushes, excited. "I've always known I'm an amazing planner, but I've never planned a Cabaret party before this, but it's really swinging!"

"The amazing Rachel Berry," he says softly, shaking his head. There's a twinkle in his eye as he looks at her, and it's making her feel warm all over. "Everything she touches turns to gold."

She turns up her face to look at him, bemused.

"You got that from somewhere," she murmurs, her heart racing as she waits for him to confirm her hunch. He chuckles.

"New York Times," he confirms. "For your first Broadway role-"

"Anita on West Side Story," she finishes quietly, eyes wide as she watches the slight tinge of his cheeks. She feels her heart threatening to leap out of her throat, but she tries to be calm.

"I didn't know you keep up with the New York Times," she says lightly, trying to smile. His stare is inscrutable as it falls on her, and she feels it boring into her skin, right through her.

"I don't," he murmurs.

"Finn-" she starts, but he holds up a hand to cut her off.

"Why didn't you- Just-" He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts, before straightening himself as he walks closer to her. "Just tell me why," he finally says.

"Why what?"

He's so close that she can't breathe, as she cranes her neck to look up at him. He stares her down, eyes determined when he opens his mouth to speak.

"Why you left," he says, his tone firm. He's hunched over, head bending close to hers, his eyes daring her to look away. "Why you didn't show up. Why you disappeared off the face of the universe for five _fucking_ years. Why you left _me_. I just want to know why, Rachel."

She starts when a sudden cheer erupts from the living room, but he doesn't even acknowledge it. The house is crowded and noisy, but it's like they're trapped in a vacuum, the two of them, and she can hear his heavy breathing, see the rise and fall of his chest from where she's standing. He's waiting for answer, waiting for her, eyes wide open and unrelenting, but she can't seem to find the words she needs. They're trapped somewhere deep inside of her, and she can't find them.

"You know," she whispers, tears suddenly threatening to spill out of her large brown eyes as she dares herself to catch his gaze. "You know why."

Xxx

_She shivers in the cool night air, standing in front of the closed garage, wondering what she's doing here. She left her shawl in Jesse's car, and in her haste, forgot to pick it up. She thinks of Jesse and she shakes her head, shaking away the guilt she feels at leaving him in the middle of the dance floor. She laughs derisively to herself. And for what? All because she caught him, pushing his way out of the crowd, the most heartbroken look etched across his features as he strode out of the hall. _

_And now here she is, standing in the middle of the cold night in front of a closed garage, not knowing what she's doing here. She listens intently, and when her ears catch the slight clanging noise coming from inside, she breathes in relief. She found him. The sound grows louder and louder and as she hurries forwards, she hears the sound of glass smashing against a hard surface. Alarmed, she quickens her pace, her heels clicking loudly against the pavement as she reaches the side door._

_It's quiet, and she takes a deep breath before she knocks. Once, twice, three times._

"_Finn?" she calls out in a loud voice. "Finn, I know you're in there. I can hear the noise you were making. Finn open-"_

_Her words are stuck in her throat when the door suddenly swings open. She takes a loud intake of breath, hand going to her chest at the sight of him. His jacket long gone, Finn stands in front of her with his dress shirt untucked, sleeves rolled up and his tie hanging loose around his neck. His hair is dishevelled, eyes bloodshot as he looks at her._

"_Rachel?" He sounds confused, but distant. "What are you doing here?" _

_His voice is hoarse, and she can smell the slight reek of alcohol on his breath. Before she could answer, her eye catches the blood seeping through his sleeve. Gasping, she moves forwards to grab his hand, turning it over to find a long gash along his palm._

"_You're bleeding Finn!" she exclaims, pulling on his hand as she marches inside, going straight to the first aid kit that Burt keeps behind the counter while he follows dutifully behind. She rummages through the box looking for a bandage, ignoring the way he seems to be staring blankly at her._

"_We need to wash your wound," she tells him. "Or you're going to get an infection, and that will take a longer time to heal."_

_She's aware that she's babbling as she pulls him towards the sink, but she doesn't know what to do, or what other way to communicate with him when he's being so… unresponsive. Daintily avoiding the glass on the floor, her eye catches his prom King crown thrown underneath one of the cars. She looks up at him to find him still looking down at her, that blank look still on his face. Quietly, she pulls his hand under the running water, grazing her fingers gently around his wound._

_The silence in the garage is deafening, the only sound coming from the tap, and her hold on his hand tightens._

"_Do you ever wish for things to be different?" he asks suddenly, voice hollow. Rachel looks up sharply, catching the momentary wistfulness that crosses his features as he looks down at her._

"_What are you talking about Finn?" she asks airily, gently pulling his hand out and patting it dry with a hand towel. She pulls him back towards the counter, pushing herself up to sit on it while he stands in front of her. He shrugs, but it's jerky, his shoulders tense._

"_Everything. Do you ever wonder what it would be like, if things were different?" _

_She should lie. She should tell him no, that she never dreams of a different life, of one where he isn't a father and she isn't just a best friend, but she knows better by now than to think that it could fool him. She smiles, but she can't quite let it reach her eyes as she focuses all her attention on applying the bandage to his hand._

"_Sometimes," she whispers. From where she is, she sees him moving, watches as his shoes shuffle forward, until his knees are touching hers. She jumps just a little when his free hand suddenly lands against her jaw, grazing against her skin in a soft caress. He pulls her jaw up towards him, and the look on his face seems to have stopped her lungs from working._

"_What do you think about?" he whispers, his voice barely legible. She doesn't answer him. She doesn't know how to. His eyes are magnetic, and she can't look away, can't move an inch as he leans closer._

"_I think about you," he murmurs, and she closes her eyes, willing for the tears that are welling up to go away. "I think about how things could have been different, you know, with us. "_

_She lets out a slow breath, her hands static on his wounded appendage. She can't move, doesn't dare to. _

"_Finn," she breathes out. His wounded palm curves up, wrapping themselves around her small hands in a vice grip._

"_If you could change it," he whispers, so close now that his warm breath is blowing against the fringe of her hair. "Would you, Rach?"_

"_I- you're drunk," she stammers. "You're not thinking straight."_

"_Why can't you just answer the question?" he asks impatiently, eyes wild as they roam over her face. _

"_Yes," she says. "I would."_

"_What would you change?"_

"_**Finn**__."_

"_What would you change, Rachel?"_

_She feels the melancholy slowly turning into anger, inexplicably upset with how he's putting her on the spot. What is he waiting to hear? That she sometimes wishes that Beth never existed, that Quinn never got pregnant and Finn never became a father? Does he want her to selfishly admit that yes, sometimes she thinks about that, sometimes she thinks about what it would be like if he could be hers, only hers, like he never is (or ever will be. What was it that Quinn said? Oh that's right. She'll be heartbroken. She __**is**__ heartbroken). What does he __**want**__ from her? _

"_I'm leaving," she snaps, bracing herself as she pushes against him forcefully, trying to push him away. He holds his ground for a few seconds and it's like fighting against a brick wall, engulfing her, suffocating. She can't __**breathe**__._

"_Finn," she chokes out. "__**Please**__."_

_He steps back, and she releases a long breath, trying to keep her nerves in check as she tries to stand._

"_Rachel," he says quietly. She ignores him, wobbling a little on her feet, accidentally stepping on the train of her dress, and slipping. She pitches forward, closing her eyes tight as she resigns to the perfect ending of a terrible night when she feels his arm winding around her waist, pulling her back up firmly against him. They freeze, and she feels his fingers subtly tightening around the fabric of her dress._

"_Let go," she whispers._

"_I'm sorry," he mumbles against the crown of her head. "Rachel, I'm so sorry."_

_She frowns. His entire demeanour has been perplexing her from the moment she stepped foot in the garage. He mumbles another apology and she sighs, sagging against him, emotionally spent from whatever this is that's happening between them._

"_What is __**up**__ with you?" she asks, utterly vexed by his behaviour._

"_I just- something happened."_

"_What is it? Finn?" She pushes his arm away when he doesn't answer, turning to look up at him, demanding an answer._

"_We can't change things, right? It's too late for that. But-" he stops, sighing in frustration as he pulls at his hair. His eyes refocus on her, a steely expression on his face. _

"_I'm going to do something, okay?" he says softly. "And we're both going to forget about this tomorrow. I'm going to forget about __**everything**__ tomorrow, but tonight." _

_His face softens, a small smile curling his lips upward._

"_Do you trust me?"_

_She hesitates, her mind moving a million miles per second, wondering where he's going with this._

"_Yes."_

"_Close your eyes."_

"_Finn-"_

"_Please."_

_Her gaze is piercing, and his is unwavering, so she sighs, nodding while her eyes close. _

_Nothing happens._

"_Finn," she mutters, annoyance and dread growing in the pit of her stomach. "Hurry up."_

_She starts when his fingers graze against her throat, curving around her neck. His other hand is pulling her forward by the waist, and when she feels his breath on her face, her eyes flutter._

"_Don't open," he whispers. _

_She doesn't._

_His mouth brushes against hers so softly that she barely feels it. She sucks in a breath, parting her lips when he kisses her again, pressing harder this time, stealing the air away from her. She feels his fingers moving up from the curve of her neck to tangle in her hair, the hand on her waist tightening as he pulls her flush against him._

_She doesn't know exactly when it was that her hands moved up his chest, fingers fisting against his shirt to pull him even closer, their tongues clashing together, teeth grazing against lips as they kiss furiously. She feels hot, like she's on fire, like every nerve in her body is burning, yearning for something more, yearning for the feel of his hands on her skin and his mouth on __**her**__. His lips are making a trail from the side of her jaw down to the juncture of her neck, his teeth grazing against her skin and when she moans his name, his hold on her tightens._

"_Don't open your eyes," he whispers against her skin and she nods, hot tears seeping out of the corner of her tightly shut eyes as she feels him slowing down, kissing up her neck again until he reaches her lips, pressing a kiss so hard against her mouth, she wonders if it will bruise her. He lingers, their mouths pressed together and she feels the dread, the refusal to pull away. His grip tightens again, pushing so hard into her skin that she knows his prints will be there long after this night ends, before it loosens, his hand in her hair dropping to his side. _

_Slowly, she unclenches her fists, releasing the fabric of his shirt. _

_Cool air fills the space around her, and she knows that he has stepped away, but her eyes remain close. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, trying to hold back the sob that's threatening to escape, every move he's making echoing in her mind. She doesn't open them until he wraps his jacket around her shoulders, his scent invading her. They flutter open by degrees, and Finn comes into focus, the desolation on his face disappearing so quickly, she wonders if it was all just a dream._

"_C'mon," he says, "I'll walk you home. Sorry I can't drive. I didn't have a lot but-"_

"_It's fine."_

_She stands still, wrapping his coat tighter around her as she waits for him to turn off the lights, her mind still dizzy from the effects of his kisses, her heart heavy with the knowledge that she'll never be able to forget it. She'll never be able to forget tonight._

"_Let's go," he says, taking her hand and pulling her quietly along with him as they step out into the cool night._

"_You look beautiful tonight," he says, eyes focused straight ahead when she looks up at him sideways. "But you always do you know."_

Xxx

She turns abruptly away from him, walking briskly out the back door, ignoring his calls and the cake still waiting to be served.

"Please don't follow me," she says in a strangled voice when she hears his footsteps. He stops, and she continues, pulling the door open almost viciously as she stumbles out into the backyard. Closing the door behind her, she leans against it, banging her head angrily against the surface.

There's no in between with Finn Hudson.

Love and heartbreak, it's always so entwined.

* * *

**A/N: As you can see, this is a pretty pivotal chapter. Things should move faster with the two of them from here on out =). Any feedback, as usual, is much appreciated!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: To everyone still actually reading this story, you're awesome =). This is kind of a short update, but I've kept you waiting long enough ;P**

* * *

She doesn't know how long she's been standing out in her backyard, maybe hours, probably minutes as she keeps trying to catch her breath. In her absence, her fathers had installed a whole backyard patio, of which she's grateful for. At least she has a place to sit. She sighs, leaning back against the chair she's sitting on before she leans forward and bangs her head softly against the glass table.

She did not see that coming at all. Although, she really should have known better by now that any confrontation that involves Finn Hudson never ends well.

"Rachel?" Beth's voice startles her and Rachel jumps in her seat, her heart leaping up to her throat as she slowly turns around, praying that the young girl's father isn't with her. She thanks God for small favors when she sees Beth looking at her curiously from the doorway. "Are you okay?"

"Oh I'm fine," she answers, forcing a smile on her face as she stands. Her heart is still beating wildly in her chest, her steps a little wobbly because she still feels the way his presence had almost devoured her. "I just needed a little air, is all."

"Oh. We're leaving," Beth says with a pout.

"Already?"

"Yeah. I wanted to wait for the cake, but dad said he left something at the garage and we have to hurry up or something," Beth answers with a roll of her eyes. Rachel's smile is strained as relief washes over her. He's leaving. She won't have to go back in there to face him with whatever shred of dignity she has left.

"I'll save a piece of it for you," she promises as she nears Beth. Standing in front of her in the backyard, she tucks a stray hair from Beth's ponytail behind her ear. The smile that the young girl gives is almost blinding, but her eyes are shy.

"I can come and hang out here again?" Beth asks, uncharacteristically bashful. Rachel smiles, taking her hand.

"Yes! You know, we women need to stick together with all these men in the house." Beth blushes, the red hue staining her pale cheeks while she mumbles.

"I just- I figured since the party's over, you wouldn't want me around anymore."

"Of course I want you around. We're friends."

"We are?"

"Aren't we?"

"I'm eleven."

"So?"

"You're like, my dad's age."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Rachel asks in mock outrage.

"No! I mean, you're way cooler than him. And more fun too. Plus you cook really well."

"Thank you," Rachel answers, with a chuckle. Beth beams up at her.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" she asks hopefully.

"Sure," Rachel smiles. She starts when a pair of arms wrap around her torso but recovers quickly, bending a little to wrap her own arms around the little girl to reciprocate her squeeze.

"See you tomorrow Rachel," Beth says when she pulls away with a grin. She turns around to bound back indoors and Rachel straightens up, opening her mouth to say goodbye.

Her words get trapped in her throat when her eye catches him still standing at the far end of the kitchen. Her half raised arm falls to her side under his scrutiny. From where she's standing his face is unreadable, and she wonders if he had been watching them the whole time. She should look away, but she can't seem to get her body to move at all until Beth finally reaches him, pulling against his arm and tearing his gaze away from hers. She lets out a slow breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and her heart slowly begins to pump again as she watches him shoot her one last, unreadable look before he allows his daughter to pull him away.

She stares at his retreating back, sighing as she sags against the doorway of the backyard.

What has she done?

Xxx

She doesn't actually see Beth the next day, but she does get a long text of an excuse. Rachel smiles to herself as Beth rants on about Sunday brunch with the Fabrays and how much of a drag it is that Finn forces her to go, when all her grandmother does is criticize the way he does Beth's hair and the clothes that she wears. It's quite heartening to see how much the girl would rather be spending her time with Rachel and her fathers, although she might be a little glad too, because there's always that possibility of Finn being around, and she's still unsure if she could handle that yet (Admittedly, her heart did do something funny in her chest when she saw the text, the kind of funny that most definitely isn't reserved for his daughter).

Pride, more than anything, is what's making her hope that he stays away. She still can't believe she acted the way she did. She's a grown, 26 years old woman for God's sake, and that was _not_ appropriate adult behavior. There was just something about being back in Lima and back in the presence of Finn Hudson that seemed to propel her back into that _silly_ little high school girl who was in love with a boy she could never have.

_Well newsflash Rachel,_ she thinks reproachfully. _You're not eighteen anymore. _

_Neither is he._

_What is that supposed to mean?_

_In case you haven't noticed Rachel Berry, the boy has grown up to be a handsome man-_

_That's neither here nor there._

_**Not**__ that there was ever any doubt in your mind that he would be-_

_Stop this ridiculous thought now. __**Right**__ now._

_He's single, isn't he? And available-_

_He's __**Finn Hudson**__. You _**just**_ found out about Quinn. How callous can you be? He's a single parent Rachel. You do __**not**__ need this distraction. __**He**__ doesn't need this distraction-_

_It's exactly what you need-_

_Stop it._

"Stop it," she hisses out loud. "You're _talking_ to yourself Rachel. You sound _insane_. And you're still doing it, oh my God, just shut _up_!"

She lets out a loud whoosh of breath in annoyance, glaring at her reflection from the full length mirror in her room, before she sighs out loud and throws herself onto the bed, narrowly missing Drizzle who was smart enough to jump out of her way, hissing.

"Sorry baby," she apologizes when she feels the cat glaring daggers at her. She groans, blowing hair out of her face before turning to bury her face in her sheets.

"He's just so frustrating! I mean, you'd think after _five_ years, after all that I've done Drizzle, you'd think I'd be done with allowing him to be so- so _unnerving_."

Drizzle stares surreptitiously at her from where he's sitting on her pillow, no doubt wondering why his human is such a pathetic excuse for a strong, independent woman. Rachel rolls her eyes at his nonchalance, reaching her hand out towards him

"I need a hug," she pouts, and almost like it's a hassle for him, Drizzle starts to stand, slowly slinking his way towards her before he curls up on her tummy. She smiles, her fingers lazily scratching the back of his ears.

"You're the only who knows how to make me feel better," she confesses in a small voice, pulling him until he rests on her chest. "Thanks Driz."

xxxx

She needs a project, she figures as she sits restlessly on the couch in the living room, mindless surfing the channels (she doesn't even know why she turned on the TV in the first place. She never watches it). She needs something to do before her own thoughts drive her crazy. Let's face it. There was a reason why she stayed firmly in New York for all those years. The bustling of the city and her never-ending schedules kept her busy, and being busy kept her from thinking too much, kept her from taking the time to revaluate her life and what it's turned into. Yes, okay, it had also kept her away from building relationships with other people, kept her too focused into herself to ever really give any part of her away to anyone. What was it that Luca had said before he left?

"_You don't want a relationship. You just don't want to be alone. Love doesn't work that way Rachel. You can't just pick and choose the parts you want to give and keep the parts that you don't."_

But why not? Why can't she do that? Who dictates that love should be all about sacrifices anyway? She's been on that end of the spectrum, and it sucked and it was heartbreaking, and she has learned her lesson. And if there is one thing that Rachel Berry isn't, it's someone who doesn't learn from her mistakes. And maybe love just isn't meant for her. Broadway is her love. _Performing_ is her love, and she gets to do it every night to great acclaim. So maybe Luca was right, maybe she didn't want to be alone, but she isn't anymore.

"I've got you for that Drizzle," she says affectionately as she ruffles through her cat's hair. Drizzle blinks up at her lazily, and continues his favourite pastime of doing absolutely nothing while ignoring her.

She sighs, ignoring the nagging feeling at the back of her mind. Her fathers's party is over and she is now without purpose. She has half a mind to purchase the first flight out to New York, but she knows that it would only break her parents' hearts for her to leave (There's that voice in her head again, wryly telling her that she's not _that _noble, that she doesn't really want to leave for herself, but she ignores it resolutely). Besides, there's really only one part she's waiting for, and either Luca lied and they really weren't interested in her for Evita, or the production is still in its early stages, and either way, her hands are tied. There is no job waiting for her in New York, none that she is actually interested in anyway, and her fathers know that.

But there doesn't seem to be anything for her in Lima too. The small town life is starting to feel stifling. Being here with nothing but her thoughts to accompany her is starting to do her in. Being here with nothing but the memories of last Saturday unnerves her. She tried Yoga with daddy this morning and although it had been a good workout, it did nothing to soothe her mind. She's cleaned the house, cooked lunch for herself, and now at three in the evening, she finds herself with nothing to do. She tried to entice Drizzle with the new ball daddy came home with yesterday, but he clearly wasn't interested.

The doorbell pulls her out of her thoughts and she rushes to the door, pulling it open to a smiling Beth.

"Hey Rachel," she chirps.

"Beth! I didn't know you were coming."

"Yeah sorry about that. Dad woke up late today and we had to rush the whole day so I forgot to call."

"It's fine," Rachel answers with a smile, stepping back to allow the young girl in. "Is that why your hair's all over the place?" she teases. Beth blushes as she swipes at her windswept hair before shrugging.

"Dad didn't have time to braid it. And I forgot my hairclip in his truck."

"I think you look nice with your hair down."

"Really?"

"Yes, you look very pretty today."

She hides a smile when Beth blushes shyly at her compliment. The girl is a force to be reckoned with, but she doesn't take to compliments well. Maybe Rachel could help her out with that. She eyes Beth's bicycle, lying carelessly on the grass, noting that the girl came on her own before she closes the door behind her.

"Are you hungry? I could fix you up with something to eat."

"That's okay. Uncle Puck picked me up from school today, and we had Subway."

"Ah. What about that piece of cake I saved for you?"

"I have room for dessert," Beth tells her with a grin. Rachel chuckles as they walk towards the kitchen. Beth jumps up onto the countertop while Rachel opens the fridge, and she almost admonishes the girl to take a proper seat, but she checks herself.

"How was school today?" she asks, cutting a slice of cake. She looks up to find Beth shrugging and frowns.

"Okay I guess."

She knows what okay means. It's anything but.

"Anything interesting happened?"

"Nope. Well, Todd Freeman put a dead lizard in Sara's backpack, and it made he r cry."

"That's _terrible_," Rachel gasps, placing Beth's cake onto a small plate before handing it to her. Beth doesn't say anything as she accepts it. She dutifully jumps down from the counter when Rachel motions for her to, taking a seat at the kitchen table instead.

"I thought it was kind of funny," Beth says quietly after a bite.

"You think it's funny that a boy terrorized your poor friend?"

"Friend?" Beth scoffs." Sara's not my _friend_. Like seriously. Why would I even want to be friends with her? She's a bitch."

"Beth!"

"What?"

"Don't use words like that," Rachel scolds as Beth rolls her eyes.

"Why not? It's true. 'Sides, uncle Puck says it all the time."

"Yeah well, you're a lady and uncle Puck is... _Puck_. A lady should never resort to swearing."

"You sound just like my grandma," Beth mumbles, annoyed. "I'm not a lady."

"Of course you are-"

"No I'm not. I don't know anything about being a lady and I don't want to anyway 'cause it's lame, so _whatever_."

"Beth-"

"I'm not hungry," Beth says, pushing her plate away.

"Beth," Rachel starts, surprised when the girl stands abruptly and stomps out of the kitchen. She stares dumbly after Beth's retreating figure, wrecking her brain to figure out what she did wrong. Obviously, Beth is upset. And obviously, it's her fault.

So what is she supposed to do about it?

She stays awkwardly in her seat. What would Finn do? Or better yet, what would she do if this was Finn? She stares at Beth's plate before she picks it up and walks out to the living room. Beth is playing with Drizzle, or at least, she's cuddling him to her chest for all that she's worth and Rachel has to smile at the way he's just letting her do it. Quietly, she takes a seat next to them on the couch, placing the cake on the coffee table.

"You know," she starts conversationally. "I saved it all for you. Wouldn't even let daddy take a small bite this morning, and he really loved the cake. It's a shame that you don't want it."

"Who says I don't?" Beth mutters, not looking her in the eye.

"You did just leave it in the kitchen." Beth decides to ignore her, and she backpedals, picking up the spoon and handing it to the girl.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "I just realized how condescending I must have sounded to you. I'm in no position at all to say anything about your friendship rituals. And if you don't want to be a lady, you have every right not to be one."

She shoots Beth an apologetic smile, relieved when the girl finally seems to relax.

"That's okay," Beth mumbles, finally releasing Drizzle to grab the spoon. They sit in silence while Beth eats and Rachel absently scratches Drizzle's belly.

"I'm sorry too," Beth says finally, and the rueful tone of her voice makes Rachel smile as she nods. "Todd shouldn't have done what he did. But he only did it because Sara was being mean."

Rachel was about to say that she knows what it's like having mean girls be the bane of your existence, but in light of one of them being Beth's mother, she decides not to. Beth goes back to being her chatty self, animatedly telling Rachel about the disaster that was her and Finn's Sunday lunch with the Fabrays.

"Grandma keeps trying to make dad make me stay there," Beth says, wrinkling her nose in distaste. Like last Summer, I almost had to for a whole month. But then dad took me to visit uncle Kurt instead."

"For a whole month?"

"Yep. We went and stayed in uncle Kurt's apartment. Well, dad stayed for like two weeks and then he had to go back to work, but uncle Kurt let me stay."

"Did you like it there?"

"In New York?" Beth asks with her mouth full. Rachel refrains from commenting and nods her head instead. "Totally! It was awesome, and there were so many places to go, not like here. I don't think there's any place I haven't gone in Lima."

"Maybe you can visit me the next time you go," Rachel says, smiling.

"Yeah, we can do that next Summer! Then I won't have to go to grandma Fabray's," Beth says enthusiastically. It's heartening to see the excitement on her features. She could picture Beth in New York. And Finn, too. They would fit right in.

(She refrains herself from thinking about how she used to picture him all the time, back when distance was the only barrier between them and wishful thinking was still her default setting. She hadn't pictured him anywhere in the routine of her life for five years, but the ability seems to return to her naturally).

"Oh!" She snaps out of her reverie to see Beth bounding back into the kitchen to return with her backpack. "I totally forgot about this. Dad told me to give it to you."

"What is it?" Rachel asks, frowning at the small envelope in Beth's hand. Beth shrugs. Rachel takes it warily, looking apprehensively at the seal. It feels light. Could it be a letter? She thinks of every conceivable explanation that he could give, but there's nothing to really explain, is there? He hasn't tried to call once. Granted, neither has she, but still. She stares at the envelope for a little while longer, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She has half a mind to completely ignore it altogether, but something stops her.

She's being ridiculous. They're both adults. She's 26 years old. The time for teenage theatrics is over. Excusing herself, she goes to the kitchen, paces for a few seconds before and slowly opening the envelope. There's a piece of paper inside it, folded in two. Gingerly, she takes it out, unfolding it as she takes a deep breath.

It's a drawing. Or more like a semblance of one (Finn was never particularly adept at visual art). She isn't a hundred percent certain, but she's almost sure that they're cookies, if those black dots are chocolate chips, like she thinks they are. Nine almost round cookies horizontally positioned in two lines, spelling out "I'm Sorry", with a crude star of David to finish it off.

The grin is already stretched out across her face before she realizes it as the memory comes unbidden into her mind.

"_Do you see anyone else standing here with a plate of "I'm Sorry" cookies? No, just you."_

"Hey Beth," she call out loud. "I'm going to make a phone call for a bit, okay?"

she rushes out the back door with her phone in hand without waiting for an answer. His number is already on speed dial (because of Beth) and as she waits for him to pick up, she presses her palm against her chest in a vain effort to calm her nerves. She hears a click and takes a deep breath.

"Rachel?" He sounds hesitant, almost confused, and it stalls her. "Is everything alright?"

"Hi-" Mentally berating herself for the squeak that came out, she quickly clears her throat and tries again. "Hi Finn. Eve-everything's fine. I just- well, I got your note."

There's silence on the other end, and she finds herself holding her breath.

"Oh."

"Yeah. I-"

"I thought of getting you some real cookies, but I- I can't bake to save my life," he says in a rush before she could get a word in. I mean, I know it's kind of lame, but I thought it'd be funny or something I don't know. I-"

The fact that he seems to be so nervous calms her down as a smile grows on her face.

"Finn," she cuts in, her tone slightly more confident. "I loved it."

"I- really?" he asks doubtfully.

She nods until she realizes that he can't see her. She hears someone from the background screaming for him, but he's silent on the other end.

"Yes It was very sweet." She grins as she looks down at his badly drawn star. "I particularly loved the reference to my Jewish roots."

"Well it's the Rachel Berry signature star," he jokes weakly, chuckling.

"Your drawing has improved immensely," she teases. "They almost look like they could be cookies."

She laughs when he pretends to groan, and she pictures the wide grin stretched out on his face when he grows quiet.

"So, apology accepted?" he asks softly.

"I- There's nothing to apologize for," she admits, her face burning at the memory of her dramatic storm out. "I'm sorry, for behaving like a child. I mean, that was years ago. Right? It didn't- it doesn't even matter now."

"Right," he murmurs, the low register of his voice in her ear giving her goosebumps. She remembers the tension between them just a few days before, and although it's been years, the sound of his voice just before he kissed her still plays clearly in her mind.

_Yes, Rachel. **Clearly**, it doesn't even matter ._

"So we," she starts quickly, determinedly ignoring the voice in her head. "We should start over, right?. As- as friends."

"All over again? Should I introduce myself?"

She rolls her eyes at his teasing tone.

"No, you don't have to do that. We could just- How about dinner? You and Beth, with us tonight."

"We can't."

"Oh-"

"I mean, not that we don't want to. I'd love to, really. But my mom and Burt just got home from visiting Kurt, and she misses Beth, so we're having dinner at their place tonight."

"Okay," she answers, relaxing. "Maybe some other time then."

"Totally. It'll be a date. I mean, like a-"

"Friend date?" she offers, smiling at his flustered tone.

"Friend date, exactly."

"So I'll see you later then?"

"Actually, mom is going to pick Beth up. She was supposed to tell you that. I swear, that kid forgets everything."

"You _are_ her father."

"Shut up." She laughs at his good-natured response, her chest feeling the lightest it's ever been. She's missed this effortless communication between them sorely.

She hears another man screaming his name, and Finn says goodbye hastily, muttering under his breath about a Buick fiasco. She steps back into the house with a smile on her face, chucking when she hears Beth singing along at the top of her lungs to the commercial on TV, Drizzle mewling in the background.

It feels like her life hasn't felt this... _lively,_ for years.

* * *

**A/N: fyi I apologize for being so slow with this story. I'm currently attempting to finish postgraduate and working part-time, so it doesn't leave much room for fanfic writing. It sucks, I know, but such is life. Sorry guys =(.**


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